What’s Your Love Language?

Years ago, I read a book by Gary Chapman titled, “The Five Love Languages”. Have you read it? Well you should. Although it’s been a very long time since I have taken in its powerful lessons on love, the insights linger still in my relationships and in my marriage. I have shared this book and given it to more people than I can count- because it’s impact is relevant to anyone who longs to learn more about how this potent part of our lives really works.

What's Your Love Language

Love.

 

In the book, Gary describes five different ways we express and receive love:

 

Quality Time

Words Of Affirmation

Gifts

Acts of Service

Physical Touch

 

These are all of our “Love Languages”.

 

The book describes each one in detail, and goes on to say how we each have certain ones that have more of an impact on our hearts than the others. We all share in these languages when we communicate love, however there is usually one way that dominates and speaks to us more than the others.

Think about it. How do you feel most loved?

 

Spending precious time together?

An encouraging card, or comment?

A lovely gift you receive?

An offer to help?

Being physical?

 

One of these probably speaks to you more than the others, although each one is powerful in itself. If you dive deep and reflect on what has the most impact on you, there will be a love language that you desperately long for… and look for… to feel loved.

 

What lifts you up?

What lights your fire?

What fills your heart?

What makes you feel most loved?

 

Spending time with someone is a beautiful way to show your love, and so is buying a lovely gift for that person as well as giving them a card with inspiring thoughts and praise. Many men crave the physical touch and intimacy as well as women. And many wives cherish the helpful husband doing the dishes or offering to fold the laundry or renovate a room. The list of examples goes on and on…

So what penetrates your heart the most?

My dominant love language is Words of Affirmation. (Surprised? Ha!) All my life, I have saved precious cards given to me in boxes and frames. I have savored any sweet encouraging comments and praise I have ever received. I also express love best in words. It’s my truest love language.

When my husband and I were just dating, he listened to this book on his own during long commutes to work. Yes, my guy went and found books on relationships in order to grow to be the best he can be in loving me. (I know… total keeper) I will never forget the message he left at my house after he finished the book.

“Oh Chrissy, I am realizing that ‘words of affirmation’ are your love language and I don’t give you enough of them! I am so sorry that I am not good with words, and I want you to know I am going to try harder to love you in this way.”

Yeah. I believe he won my heart that day.

Do you know that my precious husband leaves me notes almost every day before he goes off to work early in the morning? He has for 14 years and counting. I save every one of them.

Do you know that every anniversary, he writes me the most beautiful poems or letters, knowing that gift will be most cherished? He picks cards that he would never care to have for himself, but he knows the words in them are just what I want to read.

My man is truly not gifted in using words, bless his heart! But I tell ya- every single time I receive any words from him- I am lit UP in love.

I know his love language as well. Physical touch. Oh, how he needs that intimate bond or he starts to wither away. I am keenly aware of his needs and make sure I fill up his “love tank” regularly. It’s amazing how loving him this way can change his demeanor and attitude. It’s fulfilling to us both, when I choose to love him the way he needs to be loved!

If I bought my husband a gift, or wrote him an encouraging letter, or cleaned his car out or spent all day with him- he would appreciate it, but certainly not feel the intense love he feels through his main love language.

If my husband spent the day with me, did the dishes, gave me a long massage, and bought me a bracelet- I would feel loved, but not the intense affection I feel through my main love language.

So we feed each other’s hearts through the main food we need for nourishment. We replenish our tanks when they are low, and we renew our love over and over again- fueling the flames of our marriage with these beautiful acts of intentional love.

Think about your marriage or relationship…

Perhaps you can identify your love languages too, and grow to be more aware of your different needs in communicating your emotions. It’s a mighty powerful look into how we communicate, and one that is worth pursuing.

I strongly believe that some relationships are starving because one person is loving the other in their own love language and not honoring the key language of their partner. If I only wrote my husband songs and poems and love letters, he would slowly dissolve into an empty man. If he constantly gave me physical touch and never said or wrote me words of affirmation, I would most definitely wilt away…

I am so passionate about this book and these amazing insights into how we express and receive love. I know this process has saved marriages and relationships over and over again…

And by the way, there are the Five Love Languages For Children too!

 

*This is not a sponsored post. I just adore this book and it’s insights!*

 

 

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Comments

  1. says

    I think the longevity of any close relationship depends on this awareness of your partner’s love language – even if you’re unfamiliar with this book.

    Do you really hear your partner?

    And you’re right – love languages apply to kids, and the way I love one of my daughters is not the same way I love the others, but you have to hear them and know them to know how to love them!

    • says

      So true… SO true, dear Eli. I have seen relationships die because they didn’t tune in. I bet your girls’ love languages are inscribed on your heart. You’re good like that. XO

  2. says

    I read that book well over ten years ago and take the quiz periodically with my husband…that book is such a valuable tool for ALL relationships, not just romantic. I talk about it to people quite often. My hubby and I are blessed to share the same languages 🙂

    Found you from DYWW!

    • says

      OH how lucky you are to have the SAME love language!! I am so glad you came by and shared, Bekah! It’s such a valuable resource for ALL relationships, just like you said. 🙂

  3. says

    I mess up on this one all the time. I am a gift giver and my husband is physical touch and time. So I always just want to give him things when all he wants is to hold my hand. Sigh.

    This was a good reminder today.

    • says

      It’s so hard to step outside of how we love best, and love him how he loves best, isn’t it? I am reminded of this challenge DAILY!!
      I am SO grateful you stopped by and commented Hilary! YAY! 🙂

  4. says

    I’ve read that book and the one for children. Love the insights. I am a word person, too. Like you hearing how much he appreciates me or loves me fills me up. For him, I think it’s quality time. I’m working on this one. It means a lot to him that I go out with friends or to a nearby restaurant where the whole town hangs out. It pains me but I do it. Your hubby? A total keeper!

    • says

      I love that we are both “words girls”!! It’s so hard to step out of our comfort zone to love the way they need to be loved, isn’t it? Good for YOU for doing it, sweetie!! XO

    • says

      EXACTLY Kim!!! I vaguely recall examples in the book that speak to what you said- the woman saying how the man would bring home flowers every day but never spend time with her. The man who just wanted her to give him some attention instead of clean the house or do his laundry. ETC. It’s so much more fulfilling if we can ‘reach them’ in our love!
      Thanks for stopping by Kim!!! So grateful! 🙂

  5. says

    That was a really good book. It makes so much sense when you know what your spouse appreciates most. Another great book is his needs her needs by Willard Harley Jr.
    I think its important to constantly read the 5 love languages over and over and study it because we need constant reminding…just like it’s important to read the bible over and over. Great post Chris

    • says

      Oooh! I must go get that book Hope! I love your wisdom- we are blessed with so many great resources to grow our relationships and learn how to communicate with our loved ones- (and so much more)

      It’s imperative we take the time and the effort to invest in our marriages and relationships everywhere!!

    • says

      We your husband is a tricky tricky man, Shell!!! Good luck with that! lol
      I would think us women tend to change depending on the mood!! But, I bet you can read your hubs well. Keep plugging in, girl!! 🙂

    • says

      It’s SUCH a great book Catherine!! Definitely worth the read. I would have thought any kind of act of love would suffice in relationships- but this book really has some amazing insights that can really make a difference!!

      Thanks so much for stopping by!!! So glad you did. 🙂

  6. says

    (Melinda) Beautiful! I love this post and I love the Love Languages books. Have you read the one for kids. I think about this all the time as I parent my kids and in my marriage. My love language is Acts of Service. It doesn’t have to be anything big, but unloading the dishwasher without being asked is the equivalent of a dozen roses in my book. I’m strange. I know. 😉

    • says

      HA! You’re NOT strange at all!! I think there are SO many women that have that same language!!! I have read the children’s book and am still trying to figure out Cass- I always joke that my girl is dominant in ALL of them!! Hence, why her nickname is “high maintenance”!!! lol

      Cade is definitely physical touch. The kid can’t get enough of it! Just like his father… 😉

  7. says

    Good post. Your husband is def a keeper! I read the book years ago but still remember the key points. I know my love language and the hubs as well. I also believe that the love language that speaks to us is the one we tend to use with others…maybe a comfort zone thing, but like you said, it is important to speak THEIR language to them. Thanks for the reminder.

    • says

      You’re so right about that Laurie!! It takes a lot more effort to speak our loved one’s language instead of our own!! I am constantly using mine to love others… and often forget it might not be the best one for them. 🙂

      Great point, my friend!! XO

  8. says

    I’ve been hearing about this book lately. It’s words of affirmation for me – to give and receive. That doesn’t mean I don’t need and appreciate the rest. I’m just a real wordy girl!

  9. says

    I love those books! I read last year the love languages for teenagers. We did the little quiz together too and it was so cool to look at what love languages my kids speak. My step daughter is very much physical affection – she was hugging one of her brothers the other day and they said “Geesh, we know hugging is your love language but please stop, it’s not mine!!”

    • says

      OMGOSH that is so freaking funny Leah!!! I just love that your kids are totally aware of their love languages!! I need to do the book with my kids- I just love that you did it with your teenagers! That just shows how deeply invested you are with your children. Oh, how inspiring you are to me!!
      🙂

    • says

      Oh HECK YES texts totally count!! My hubs does that too!! Randomly- and they always surprise me and light me UP!! 🙂

      Now- what is your hub’s language? THAT is the question!! 😉

  10. says

    I have read the book and I love it too!! I took the quiz, my love language is personal touch. I’m fairly certain I know what my hubs’ is without him taking the quiz but I think it’d be fun to make it a date night thing to do. 🙂

    • says

      Oh that is such a great idea to do a date night with it!!! I mean, who knows!!?? Your hubs may surprise you with a totally different language than you may have thought!! It could happen. 😉

      I am so glad you stopped by Anna!

  11. says

    Hey Chris! Can you believe it…I’ve never read it…IKR!! Everyone I know has though! My daughter has been telling me about it for the past few years. Okay, this is confirmation girl to go read it, lol! I’m a firm believer that if we follow His lead in choosing the mate HE has ordained for us, He’ll put us with that person who knows how to minister to our needs. He knows exactly what He’s doing, doesn’t He girl! Thanks for the your awesome insight! Btw…both my husband and I love encouraging words(written and spoken). Love ya!

    • says

      You must go get it!!! The link is in this post- it’s so worth reading, if only to confirm your what you know!! It would be such a great resource for your kiddos too!! The newlyweds especially! It was actually a wedding gift to me, now that I think about it! The best gift EVER. 🙂

  12. says

    Thank you for reminding me of this book. After so many years of marriage, these things are easy to forget. I am for sure an Acts of Service girl, and my poor hubby is all about physical touch. It’s easy to minimize his needs, but in my heart, I know they are essential.

    • says

      Ya know, I think sometimes we women think guys just want “it”- but the truth is that they “need it” to feel loved. It’s truly what opens their heart and fills them up, and we must pay attention to that precious part of their hearts!!

      I love your comment, Shannon. Thank you so much for sharing!!

  13. says

    I borrowed this book from my sister years ago, I’m going to have to go back and read it. Your presentation is right on, I can figure out where my husband and I both fall in these categories – now I want more details.

    • says

      You should totally borrow the book back, Stephanie! (lol) Or just go buy it for a few bucks… it’s absolutely worth the read!!

      Thanks SO much for coming by and sharing!!!

  14. says

    I have been wanting to read this book for the longest time. I need to get it!
    I know my hubbies love language right off the bat…physical touch. Same as your husband, he craves it.
    As far as myself I”m not quite sure. My first reaction was to say acts of service b/c that is how I like to show others that I love them. But then I thought that I really love receiving gifts. But then I thought about how much I cherish the quality time I get to spend w/ my husband. I crave date nights and weekends away, maybe b/c we just don’t get to do that kind of thing as often as I would like.
    I’m still not sure…better read the book

    • says

      OH Stephanie, you CRACK me up!! I am SO with you on having difficulty deciding!! I would absolutely LOVE a good gift- or time ALONE with hubs- or have him clean the house… SWOON!!!

      Key word- “dominant”. It might be your initial though- though you just have to go get the book and take the quiz!! 🙂

    • says

      I need to read the book WITH my kids… I never thought of that until I just read a comment from Leah about how she did that with hers. Such a great idea!

      Thanks for stopping by Julia! So grateful. 🙂

  15. says

    This sounds like an amazing book! I have to say that I’m not sure where my husband falls. Maybe I do and don’t realize it since we’ve been together 14+ happy years but it would be interesting to read the book and just be really clear on it.

    I would have to say mine is physical touch and my husband knows that. Every night he rubs my feet. Not most nights. Every night. I love to hold hands and just be by him.

    I’m even that way with my kids. They are grown and I still ask them sometimes if they’ll hold my hand. Eighteen year olds don’t to that though. LOL

    • says

      Oh how precious of your hubs to rub your feet EVERY night, Carla!!! No wonder why you have had 14 HAPPY years!!! 🙂 It would be a fun and interesting read for you to see if there is anything you two might be missing out on!!

      Thanks so much for reading and sharing!!!

  16. says

    My husband’s is definitely physical touch. My daughter’s is quality time.

    Mine? I don’t know. I think I need to take one of those tests they have on the website to find out.

    • says

      DO IT!!! And come back and tell me! lol 😉

      No, I am really curious Tracie! Glad you know your hubs and daughters- but you may find it really useful to explore your own. Can’t wait to find out! (Yeah- I’m really that curious, don’t know why! ha!)

  17. says

    I read this book a couple of years ago. My language is in words as well. It was suggested by my therapist. It really helped. I enjoyed what your wrote. Thanks. Followed you from SITS. Have a blessed day!

  18. says

    I love this book and have recommended it to anyone who will listen…single or married. Before we get into a relationship, its important to know our love language. My primary love language is Quality Time and the close runner up is Physical Touch.

    Your husband had the right attitude. That’s the point of the book, to love others the way THEY want to be loved not the way we want to love them. Great post!

    • says

      Oh I am so glad you came by to share your wise insights Yvonne!!! I totally agree that EVERYONE should learn what their language is and having the awareness of the different needs in relationships is key.

  19. says

    I read that book to several years ago. I think that may be where I got this from:

    My Spiritual Gifts
    1 Showing Mercy
    2 Encouraging/Exhorting
    3 Serving/Ministry/Helps
    4 Administrative/Ruling

    • says

      I love that you shared your spiritual gifts Cassi!!! That’s an entirely wonderful list of gifts you have. I love when we become aware and use our gifts for good. It’s just such a beautiful way to live out our faith! I remember a class I took at church on spiritual gifts…
      Apparently- I’m “encouragement” and “hospitality”. 🙂

        • says

          When I took that class on spiritual gifts, I vaguely recall taking some long test about it!! That’s where the “encourager and hospitable” came from. Life gifts-personality gifts, not so sure what they are. I would LOVE to look at either!!! Do you know a good resource? YAY! Thanks for asking!! 🙂

          • says

            It’s been almost 10 years since I did these and for whatever reason I didn’t write down where each was from. Most were library books so I don’t have them either. 🙁

            One I did buy was “Discover Who You Are” by Jane A.G. Kise, David Stark, and Sandra Krebs Hirsch. I think this one covers all the areas we mentioned before.

  20. says

    I LOVED this book! Too bad the person waited WAY too late to take heed to the blueprint! So unfortunate because we read the book & the lack of my primary love language was the demise of the relationship. This is an oldie but definately post worthy today! I needed a refresher 😉

    Aren’t all men a #5 🙂 That husband of yours is a gem leaving you notes daily! You are so blessed.

    • says

      I agree about #5 for all men Joi!!! (lol) It’s insights are pretty cool and IF we take heed to the blueprint, I really believe our relationships will thrive. Definitely an oldie but a goodie!! 🙂 Thanks for coming by, my friend!!

    • says

      It’s such a great book Lauren!! Well worth your time and money- and it’s CHEAP these days!! Such great insights into how we really communicate our love. Thanks for reading about it!!!

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