Tumor Benign… Free To Breathe

I woke up, surprised the kids let me sleep in- I felt rested after tossing and turning these past few nights.  I have been trying to plan how this will unfold with the kids home not having school today and me getting the call.  How exactly will I handle it while they scurried around my feet- playing, fighting, asking for this and that?  I wasn’t quite sure.  I didn’t really have a plan, nothing seemed clear or concrete to me.  I just knew I would get the call today.  It’s the only thing I felt sure about.

The only thing.

I came downstairs to the mess of my kids who had been up for hours, and at that very moment the phone rang.  I stared at it.  I knew…

I couldn’t pick it up.

I watched as it rang and rang… I froze.

I couldn’t do it.

Cade started playing the clarinet and Cass blaring Miley’s latest while singing at the top of her lungs.  The squeaking of the instrument interrupted by “STOP IT CADE!!!”  And the “Wrecking Ball” madness ensued.  Then the squeaking again and the singing louder and then “MOM!!!  HELP ME!  WHY DOES IT KEEP SQUEAKING LIKE THAT!!”  As Cade started to cry… and Cass continued to fight to end the battle of the wits victoriously, I gently took Cade to the other room and showed him how to hold his tiny fingers over the holes, and place his mouth just right onto the mouthpiece.  Blowing … squeaking… “MOM!!” as he starts to meltdown with frustration.

I continue to assist the ever so stubborn inpatient demands of my son, while redirecting Cassidy to respect her brother and take turns with the air we all get equal rights to in this house.  When Cade was done trying, he pursued Cassidy with a tenacity only little brothers can have… as they pecked at each other’s nerves over and over again fighting over what song to listen to next.

I made my coffee and walked through the routine of making breakfast and serving… cleaning… checking emails… all the while bubbling inside with angst I couldn’t articulate just yet.  I needed to feel calm before I even touched that phone.  I needed something to come into me that told me I can do this.  I can face this.  I needed time to prepare for what I thought I had been preparing for all along… but you never really are prepared- no matter how much you try.

I had two hours before I needed to be at my sisters to spend the day with my mother who is in town on a planned visit.  Two hours to pull myself together, get all the food together for the meal tonight and shower and- find out.

The next hour came and went.  I laughed and sang and played with my kids while ‘getting things done’ around the kitchen.  I basked in the moments of innocence almost with a stubborn resistance of ignoring that phone.  Dammit.  I don’t want that in this loud morning of motherhood goodness.  I just want my kids fighting, playing, singing, and needing me.  The well known pulling and pushing and tugging through the relentless ebb and flow of motherhood, is either welcomed with patience or frustration.  Today it was patience.  I embraced it.  I used it to keep me sane and safe.

I scrolled through the endless blogs I should be reading and can’t- as my heart grew heavier with disappointment.  I just can’t- I can’t focus on that- I can’t.  I impulsively messaged my one friend- the one I texted at the ultra sound.  She seemed to play a critical role in my quiet internal strife from the beginning… she was my safe place to go.  There were too many people waiting around here- worrying- wondering.  She was far away and yet, so close.  Oh so close.

As my strength grew and my clarity focused in on how I will approach this call, I decided I would go upstairs and lock myself in the bedroom.  If malignant, I would then call Derek to come home from work.  I would then pull it together to function without letting the kids see until he got home.  I would hide if I had to.  I couldn’t let them see me fall apart.  How on earth would they ever be able to let go of that memory?

My mind wandered back and forth for another hour.  Drenched in the mystery of not knowing and the angst of allowing myself to surrender to His Plan.  I prayed a lot.  Messy broken words and thoughts mumbled and disjointed at best.   I knew God had this.  Either way it was to go- was His Way.  I just didn’t want to face it.  I wish I could say I did- that I was strong and faithful in knowing that whatever His Plan, I would be okay.  But I suppose that’s the difference between divinity and humanity.

Still not showered, with the kids constantly going, I finally succumbed to what had to be.  I must check the voice mail messages.  I must.  Now.  It’s getting too late, and what if she said to call her back and the office was now closed until Monday?  Oh God, I can’t… I must.

NOW.

I took the phone and ran to the bathroom… not at all the plan I had, and yet- nothing ever really is.  I pressed the voice mail on my phone and heard my doctors voice…

“Hello Christine.  We have the results from the biopsy and the tumor is benign.  As we discussed at your appointment, we still need to remove the tumor because it will grow.  As we also discussed, surgery will be extensive and you can call anytime to follow up with how you may want to go about this.”

I didn’t fall to my knees and cry out to my Heavenly Father.

I didn’t start sobbing with the release of rejoicing joy.

You just never know how you will respond to things…

 

I breathed. 

Probably the first deep breaths I have been able to breathe in the last week…

After all the short pants and gasps and forced and controlled rhythms to steady my heart.

I was free to breathe.

After that beautiful breath, I opened the bathroom door to my children, my world, my life, my purpose… His Plan.

Apparently, God’s not done with me here.

Yet.

Tumor Benign  Free To Breathe

 

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Comments

    • says

      But here’s the thing- if the tumor was malignant- we could also say God’s GOT THIS. because He does…always…good or bad….it’s all His. XOXOXO

      He’s got this- He’s got you. He’s got John.

  1. says

    Oh Chris, I cried after reading your last post and I’m crying after reading this one! PRAISE GOD Chris, praise God!! I LOVE your last few lines…”I was free to breathe. After that beautiful breath, I opened the bathroom door to my children, my world, my life, my purpose…His plan!” So true my friend, so true! And no Chris, HE IS NOT DONE WITH YOU YET!! You’ve got to share your beautiful life with so many others! Besides, I have yet to meet you face to face girl! LOVE YOU!! xoxoxo

  2. says

    Hooray!!! I’m so very happy for you and your family!!
    I can’t even imagine all that you have gone through this entire week and especially this morning but I’m beyond relieved that you are going to be OK!!!

    • says

      Hmm…. what is REST? HA! My mom was in town then my sister – then kids off of school, out of town tournament and here I am. Motherhood never allows for rest, no? LOL

      Is it bad that there is a part of me that is excited for the surgery just JUST so I can rest and have an excuse to do so? 😉

  3. says

    Oh dear, I have tears streaming and weird looks from my husband. Oh, that is GOOD. That last sentence…those last two..so powerful.
    I’m so glad your title gives away the verdict because I wouldn’t have coped with reading every word clearly.

    • says

      Ya know- there was this tiny greedy part of me that thought about the ‘traffic’ it would bring just to leave people wondering…. and have to go to my post to find out. it never sat well with me to do this- to trick people into coming. Then I thought, why put people in that position? Why make my friends who actually read my words go through the stress that I went through of not knowing?
      Nothing in that idea seemed right.

      So I posted it in the title. People could read that title and not have to open up my link. Friends could read what I HAD TO GO THROUGH and not have to endure the same. It was the right thing to do.

  4. says

    Such. A. Relief. 😀

    I feel like dancing, but I’m too tired, but know that my heart is singing and my soul is dancing for this news.

    Wonderful.

    Onwards and upwards, dear friend 😀 <3

  5. Caroline says

    That’s great news! The hardest thing ever is to remain in God’s peace through something like that. But we need to remember His promises and make those our focus. His Word says that we’ve been redeemed from the curse of the law and for sickness we have health ! LET THE REDEEMED OF THE LORD SAY SO!
    No matter what the results would have been, God is no man that he would lie and He will stick to His promises. We recently were given the opurtunity to meet, fellowship with and pray for a man filled with cancer. It was in the brain, lungs, bones liver everywhere. We ministered to him we all laid hands on him to include the kids and 2 weeks ago we received the report that the cancer is gone! Praise The Lord for He is good and faithful !

    • says

      Oh Caroline!! First of all- I LOVE SEEING YOU HERE!!!!! WOOHOO!!! YOU COMMENTED!!!!! 😉

      Second of all- wow. Just wow. What an incredible story of God’s amazing Power!!! He is Mighty. He is Master. He is the Author of our lives… forever and ever.

      Thank you for sharing such a powerful testimony, my friend. XO

  6. says

    Phew! I am so happy for you…for your family and for all of us who get to continue to be blessed by you and your writing. Have a wonderful day. God is Good.

  7. says

    I’m am so, so relieved for you! Thank you for telling us right away, so I breath while reading. God is definitely not done with you here 🙂

    • says

      Thanks SO much for celebrating the news with me Dana!! I didn’t think it would be fair to put you all through it- I almost did, but realized it wasn’t the right thing to do. XO

  8. says

    Whew! I am so thankful to God for you. When I read this yesterday, I paused and exhaled. The relief that I felt, I’m sure was only a tiny bit of what you must have experienced. I just wanted to scream HALLELUJAAAAAH!!!!!! But since I couldn’t do it then, right now I’m giving the Highest and the loudest Praise I can give! Hallelujah!
    God says …carry on, my dear, Carry on.

    I will remain prayerful as you navigate the next steps of this journey.XOXO

    • says

      Oh Hope!!! i am so so grateful for you!!! Onward I go… to the next step of this journey.
      Still praising God for it… for peace and for the hope in another day to share His Love. XOXO

  9. says

    That is fantastic news! It is so hard to get those results. I had to have a ultrasound earlier this year to check my kidneys. They had seen something when they did a different test. I was scared out of my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. When I finally got the call that said it was just a cyst, nothing to worry about I think I cried. Cried for hours from relief. I’m happy for you!

  10. says

    Thank goodness! I am so so thankful for you! It must have been so hard to wait for that call…and to want to get the news and not want to get the news all at the same time. I am so happy for you. Sending lots of hugs your way!

    • says

      it was a roller coaster ride for sure Michelle!! I am so glad for the outcome… and yet, I really felt strong in many ways to face the other news too- I was worried God was preparing me for THAT. Apparently not this time. Hopefully not ever!

  11. says

    I have taken two knees and thanked God with the biggest exhale! We’ll be there to carry you through the surgery, but let’s just hold this news tight, be in this moment of what this means and what it doesn’t, and rejoice. Throw those dice away. God purposes and plans trump all. Praise, praise, praise!

  12. says

    What a palpable relief and extreme weight to be lifted!! That moment of peace will never nee forgotten….go back to that moment whenever you’re feeling lost…you’ll remember whose you are 🙂 xoxo

  13. says

    OMG. I. Love. This news. I was so worried and praying and didn’t want to read on but had to read on because I needed to and was holding my breath right along with you. Thank you God. Thank you Chris for sharing this news.
    *exhale*
    *and again*

    Huge ginormous hugs.

    • says

      Yeah… that was a day. Whew! Glad it’s over. So glad. Now on to the next… surgery. But I’ll take it over the other option of COURSE.

      Thanks for your prayers and wonderful encouraging support always Kristi. XOXO

    • says

      Remember there is NO such thing as a delayed response!!! YOU my sweet love- are ALWAYS on time with your precious encouragement and support!!! XOXOXOXO X 100. 😉

    • says

      AW!!! Thank you SO much Amy!! I am so excited to see you here and for you to share in my journey, dear friend. Your encouragement means the WORLD to me!!! XOXO

    • says

      Oh bless you for reading this!!!! It was quite a day… quite an experience all around. I still bask in the goodness of it all- even though I still am healing from the surgery- I am constantly reminded of all the blessings around it all. You are such a DEAR to take the time to be ‘in this’ with me, my dear wonderful new friend!! SO grateful for you!! xoxo

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