Devotional Diary: Intercession

I was sitting in the waiting room, when it hit me.  Fear.  Could this really be something?  The reality drenched my heart with heaviness and an intense anxiety that I had been denying.  I stay so busy; it’s easy to do.  Too many other priorities and plans can so conveniently intervene when needed.  Life can be used to distract us from the obvious.  But now, I was there… facing something I had turned away from for too long. 

What could it be? 

I need to let someone know other than my husband.  I didn’t want my friends to know- they don’t need this burden.  It’s not a burden yet.  It’s just a look into something I have been wondering about that my ENT found while examining me.  My headaches and sinus issues had gone on long enough.  I needed an answer.  He felt by my neck and ears and found it.  This ‘thing’ I had played with for some time now that I thought nothing of…  this thing that was a lump.  He gently claimed we needed to get an ultra sound to further investigate.  I politely conceded.

No big deal.  Or was it?  This was the question I was now facing…  was it?

I sat alone with my thoughts unraveling and twisting into dark corridors of fear and imagination.  Those poisonous  ‘what ifs’ invaded my mind. 

Who can I tell?  I needed to tell someone. Someone safe.  Someone I trusted.  It had to be someone who was distant, so as not to start a chain of calls and prayer requests.  I just had to get it ‘out there’ before I went in.  I texted her…  And sat helplessly alone waiting.  I felt relief when she responded…

Someone knows.

They called my name.

After the paperwork they led me back to the ultra sound room where this adorable bubbly young tech met me and we chatted the small talk stuff with a hint of loveliness and light.  She then gave me instructions.

“Have you ever had an ultra sound before?”

“Yes.  In both breasts for a year or so to track some abnormal tissue.  And an ultra sound led biopsy in both breasts, as well.”

“Okay- good.  Well I am going to put the gel on you and take a look!”  She said with such a cute demeanor I simply wanted to hug her.  Her sweetness was the perfect blanket to cover my simmering inner turmoil.

“You are such a cutie pie!  I figure you can’t tell me anything, but I will know if you let out a huge ‘GASP’ when you look at the screen!!”  I joke, with my ‘Chrissy spin’ that usually lightens the mood and never fails to release a giggle out of the most hardened of hearts.

Nothing.

She has changed her bubbly disposition.  She is serious.  She is focused so intently on the screen that I try again to break the ever-changing lowering weight of the room’s space. 

“Or if you start sobbing uncontrollably, I will know it’s not good!”

Nothing.

The room started to feel suffocating.  It was dark and she was unresponsive to my quirky gestures.  She kept moving the wand around my neck into my hairline while staring deeply into the images while she was clacking onto the keyboard typing things I couldn’t see.  I laid there still, quiet, realizing that she was no longer my perky friend- and I tried so hard to fight the urge to scream…

“WHAT????  TALK TO ME!!!  WHAT ARE YOU SEEING???”

The minutes lingered painfully, as she kept on her course of investigation reapplying more gel and staring silently at the screen while waving her wand around my head and neck.  Over and over again.  The moments grew unbearable.  My mind raced… into thoughts I never intended to think, emotions that unwillingly took over, prayers I never thought I’d pray.

“Excuse me, I will be right back.”  She pushed out her chair and with no eye contact or a hint of a smile, she walked out of the room leaving me alone- with my thoughts, my emotions, my prayers.

I laid still, my neck tightened in knots of pain from being turned for so long.  My eyes stretched up as far as they could to see the screen.  I saw the mass in the image, but I knew nothing. Where did she go?  Was she going to cry in the bathroom?  Could she not handle the idea of what she had found?

“WHAT???!!”  I screamed inside.

“No.  Just calm down.  You know nothing.  It is nothing!  Stop.  Don’t go there…”  I whispered gently to myself.  Trying to find peace where there was none.

Alone.

In the dark room.

Frozen with fear.

Rolling thoughts of the unknown and the reality of my mortality slurred into this unwanted confusing despair.

“No.  It’s nothing.  Where did she go?  Why won’t she talk to me?  Why is she so serious all of a sudden?”

“Hello there!”  Another woman enters the room alongside of the ‘used to be friendly’ tech.

The older woman sits down and starts to take more images, while the young one watches intently, standing behind her.

“Everything okay?” I manage to squeeze out with a dreadful anticipation under the wild imagination that has now become my reality.

“Oh, I was just going to make sure all the images were complete and we could get at it from every angle. You’re doing a great job honey.”  She appeased, almost treating me like a child.  I was bit un-nerved at her light demeanor, but reveled in it for comfort.

“Okay.”  I said with a soft child-like whisper.

More time.  Laying still.  More gel.  More silence.  More air suffocating out of the room with a dense weight no one dared to lift.

“You are done.  I will walk you out.  Sorry the gel got in your hair.

“Oh, no worries!  I certainly haven’t showered yet today!”

Nothing.

The cute girl walked me through the corridor without any word or hint of connection.

“There you go.  Take care.”  She forced a smile, as if she had to wear it as a mask.  The awkward tension was thick and the politeness between us both was futile.

“Okay.  Thanks!”  I smile with a withered heart and a quiet confusion that left me questioning what just happened.

Walking to the parking lot of the hospital, I was in a fog. What do I do with THAT?  What?  I can’t… go… there…

I drove in silence home.  In shock.  Frozen.  Paralyzed.  Too afraid to use words and share any of this with anyone.

I finally called my friend that I had texted in the waiting room and shared what happened with her…as I picked up child number one and two… on to the next school.   Three and four… drop off, drop off, drop off…and five and six, the last two to take home, where the motion didn’t stop as the after school hours suck you into motherhood.  I was struggling to focus, but wanting the distraction at the same time.

I couldn’t stop to breath and let the fear in.  Thankfully, I just couldn’t.  It got so late, I didn’t even get to tell my husband.  Other demands came into play and the night was over.  I didn’t want to go there.

 First thing the next morning, my doctor called.  I thought they were confirming my follow up appointment for the ultra sound, but they were calling to tell me that I needed to go to another specialist.  My ultra sound results showed that the growth was such that it needed further investigation.  A biopsy.  An MRI.  Possibly a cat scan.

I complied.  We set the new appointment for next week.  I hung up.

What is it?  I don’t know.

Until I get answers… I will cling to this:

Psalm 16:8   New Living Translation (NLT)

I know the Lord is always with me.

I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.

 

I didn’t want to write about this.  I wanted to write about many other topics that have been on my heart this week.  But this just happened, and as I stared at my screen, my daze couldn’t be rattled enough to think of anything else.  To write anything else.  It wouldn’t be authentic.  I just can’t.  This, my friends is taking up residence in my heart…

Until I know.

I write from the deepest parts of me. I write as I go.  I have no other posts to pull from.  I write as I live the moments that are given to me.  I embrace them, and find such joy in attempting to create a message that speaks to you- to me- to anything of value.  Today, all I have is this.

So as I struggled and battled through going against some unwritten code of conduct I seemed to have created within my blog, I surrendered. And perhaps in doing so, I have a message all its own.

Intercession.  It’s some big fancy religious word that- to me, means…

“Pray for me, would you?”

Thanks my dear friends.

It’s probably nothing.

James 5:16
Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

Devotional Diary Discernment

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Comments

  1. stefanie says

    I am praying for you…I was just diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and possible lupus on Friday. Finally answers. God is good. He will see you through and me through. I start treatment in 3 weeks after lab work and xrays come back. I know what you must be feeling. Love to you from your cake baking Virginia friend!

    • says

      SQUEEEE!!!! I am so SO excited you commented Stefanie!! It means the world to me, and so does your friendship. XO
      YOU are in my prayers honey. Your spirit is beautiful…

  2. says

    I’m glad you took a moment to share the emotional toll with a friend. It doesn’t necessarily solve the problem but it eases the burden. Praying for you. xo

    • says

      It was surreal… ugh. And you are SO right Tamara… it’s gonna be alright. No matter what. I keep telling myself that. Thanks for your loving support my friend.

  3. says

    Hate how they left you, hate that you have this worry. Glad that you’re able to cling to faith. I will pray and pray. And hope that they tell you something concrete very soon.

    Have a line
    __________________________________________

    Breathe. Have another.
    __________________________________________

    Breathe. Pray. Another line.
    __________________________________________

    xXx

  4. says

    Oh, Chris! I am praying, and will continue to do so. We are not among those who shrink back; we press forward in faith for each other at this and all times. God is faithful!

  5. says

    I read with such empathy. I just spent last weekend in the hospital with my dad. He had an MRI done on his neck by appointment a week ago Friday. He has had tremendous pain for two months. There was a message on the answering machine when my parents returned home. The doctor was concerned. It could be serious she told them and requested they go to the ER for another MRI. I drove them there. He had an x-ray and CT. They were unable to do the MRI but wanted to admit him for further testing. Cancer was first mentioned in the little cubicle as we sat and awaited the results for the tests. Another MRI confirmed nothing and they asked him to stay another night. Infection was ruled out though they kept talking of malignancy. I didn’t feel good about any of it and asked many of my friends and family to pray. When I took them home last Sunday we had no idea of what was going on except that he was still in a lot of pain. The next day the doc called to tell them it was least likely to be a malignancy. Inflammatory issues perhaps. More tests to be done.
    I told you all that for two reasons, 1. I am praying for you, and 2. it’s scary. It could be anything. Hang in there my friend.

    • says

      Dammit! I remember seeing a post that said something about that in your title and never made it over to read!!! Figures, one of the few I missed was that one… of all posts to miss! Ugh. How scary for YOU Laurie!! And your poor parents! Just terrifying. What is the update? Any answers yet? Is the pain subsiding? Two months is a long time to be in pain like that. Ugh. I will be praying for you and them… and answers…and treatment that heals.

      Thank you for your sweet encouragement and prayers…. I’m sure it’s nothing. I will keep saying that until they say differently- it’s easier to believe. 🙂

  6. says

    1. I hope that the tests come back OK – still a very big possibility!
    2. I think it’s incredible that you wrote about this – it is hard enough to go through anything like this – the more support and prayers you have the better!!
    I will be praying for you to have comfort and peace while you wait for the next step.

    • says

      You are such a love, Kim! I can’t tell you how much your comment means to me. I really struggled to share my words about this. It felt foreign and uncomfortable.

      You gave me the encouragement and validity I needed. Thank you from the bottom of my heart…

    • says

      I am so honored and touched you came by to share your encouragement, Rochelle, Thank you so so much, my new friend. You are a gift. And I love your faith…

  7. says

    Oh Chris. 🙁 We are SO SORRY that you are having to go through this, especially with the waiting. Waiting is the worst. Try to stay strong and feel yourself enveloped in the support of friends both near and far. Sending you hugs.-The Dose Girls

  8. says

    Praying for you friend. Praying for answers and for peace of mind. Praying that the Holy Spirit would surround you with a calm presence that will give you the strength to face what may be ahead. Blessings sister

    • says

      Thank you so much sweet sister. I woke up the day of the doc visit feeling amazingly clear headed and strong. The power of prayer… the power of prayer. XO

  9. says

    Oh, Chris!! That is so scary and I can only imagine how you feel. I’m glad you wrote about it because writing can be so therapeutic (at least for me). I am praying for you – praying for good news and praying that you find comfort and peace while you wait for the answers.

    • says

      Thank you SO much Lisa… you are such a dear. It really was such a struggle to post this- but writing it was incredibly cathartic and therapeutic!! Thank God for our outlets, yes?

      I am so grateful for your support. XO

  10. says

    Christine –

    I love that you once again put yourself out there for all of us to learn from. I know that you are still spinning in this but know that you are not alone – surely you feel the love from all your friends and followers, AND most importantly from GOD who will surely not leave you or forsake you my friend. I pray that you make it through this time of waiting and get to the bottom of this knowing you are loved and you are not alone! LOVE YOU!!

    • says

      I am so grateful for friends like you Marcia. I am definitely not feeling alone- and I am so grateful for that!!
      God’s got this. I must trust that. XO

  11. says

    Chris!!!! I am praying, praying, praying. I just had my whole family stop what they were doing and pray. I wanted to get to the end and read that it was nothing. I know it will be but the waiting is so hard. I went through something similar when there was a spot on my tongue and they misdiagnosed it as cancer. I hate that you are going through the torture of waiting. I am emailing you right now. Love you, my friend. Love, love, love!

    • says

      OHMYGOSH that is the SWEETEST thing I have ever heard, AnnMarie!! Bless you and your precious family’s heart for doing that!! That touches my heart SO deeply. You – Oh you… thank you thank you thank you…

    • says

      Thank you SO much for your sweet encouragement and support Leah!! I am truly grateful. I have the strength and faith to get through it- whatever the outcome. I am blessed to have people like you to see me through it… XO

  12. Rosslyn Elliott says

    Oh Chris…I know the technician probably didn’t realize how her change in demeanor affected you…or was unable to control it…but I’m so sorry. I’ve always wondered why there doesn’t seem to be training for diagnostic technicians that focuses on “how not to make patients lose their marbles.” I know how very stressful this is from the now faint but awful memory of waiting over a weekend for an amnio diagnosis for Brooke. I am praying for you.

    • says

      I said the VERY same thing Rosslyn!! I would think they would have a class on demeanor and how to interact with a patient… ugh.
      I can’t imagine waiting all weekend wondering about Brooke. Awful.
      So thankful everything was okay.

      I am grateful you stopped by, my friend. You are dear to me. XO

  13. says

    Oh Chris, I almost couldnt take reading this. I wanted to scroll ahead to read that it was nothing, but I kept reading to experience the moment with you. Only to see that you’re still in limbo. I am praying my friend…having faith for you, trusting with you, interceding on your behalf, sending you my love…

    • says

      Oh your words fill me up Hope. I have read them three times already… and will come back to read them again and again.

      Thank you. Your beautiful faith and friendship are a gift to me. XO

  14. Tammy says

    Oh Chris, you know my heart is heavy for you as you wait to find answers. Please know that I am on my knees for you, especially right now.
    Love you!

  15. says

    Chris… I am praying. A lot. Sending lots of prayers for it to be nothing. I’m so sorry that you now have to wait to find out. I’m sending huge amounts of cyber hugs and love and prayers your way.

    • says

      Oh thank you sooo much Kristi!! You are such a dear. I am just so grateful we have connected. What a blessing you are to me! I love our friendship SO much. XO

  16. says

    Thank you for sharing this my dear friend!! I cried as I read it, as I can’t fathom the emotional roller coaster you’re on right now! You know I’ve got your back girl! You may be going through this right now, but DO KNOW you’re not going through it alone! YES, I am and will continue to intercede on your behalf my friend!! You’ll get through this Chris, but most importantly you WILL testify of His healing virtue concerning your life! Love you lady! xoxoxo

    • says

      I know He will and always is in every day already planned and prepared by His Sovereign Power. My Path is already set before me… I will trust it is Perfect according to His Will.

      I feel comforted knowing you will be my prayer warrior Michell. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. XOXOXO…

  17. Jennifer says

    CHRIS!!!! I had no idea 🙁 I’m so sorry! I’ll send Jason over ASAP and give you one of his twirling hugs! Prayers, prayers and more prayers to you!! LOVE YOU!!!

    • says

      AW honey!!! Of all the posts you read, it’s THIS one eh?? Funny how that happens… I miss you. I pray you are doing well, sweetheart!! HUGS to you and family- and LOF precious people!! I think about you so so much…

      Prayers are so comforting. Thank you so much.

      Jason needs to get his butt over here and twirl me SOOOOON!! LOL 😉 Or at least the next time we pull up at a light, he better get out! HA!

  18. says

    I am SO upset with myself, me being wanderer Amber, should’ve looked about bloglovin’ before today, FORGIVE me. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for YOU declares the Lord, plans for the future to give you HOPE. I love you Chris. XO. ~A~

    • says

      You my friend are NOT allowed to be upset with yourself!! You hear ME?? I love your love… and your timing will ALWAYS be perfect, honey. You are a breath of beautiful fresh encouragement… always. 🙂

      XOXOXOXOXO

      • says

        Thank you for loving me, even when though I’m a wanderer, I’m never lost, I always come back… just takes a day or two… thank you… XOXOXOXOXOXO, love you, I am sorry again. I LOVE YOU friend! ~A~

  19. says

    Praying for you Chris! What a difficult appointment to sit through and to go home not knowing anything…how horrible. I’ve been away from my blog friends for a couple days…and I am so sorry Chris. Please know I am thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. Hugs to you!

    • says

      Oh you are so sweet MIchelle~~ I don’t know how you get everywhere and do all that you do, my friend!! You are a POWERHOUSE!!! I am so grateful you come by- whenEVER you come by!! Lord knows I can’t catch up with you.. 😉

      Thank you for your encouragement, It means so much to me, XO

  20. says

    Oh wow! I had to go in for an ultrasound when I was pregnant with my second son to “confirm viability” after I got rear ended, and the ultrasound tech wasn’t supposed to say anything either, so I was really relieved when she showed me his heartbeat. Having had that experience, I can very much picture the scene between you and the ultrasound tech (also because you described it so vividly). I am so sorry that you are dealing with this, and I will pray for you.

    • says

      Oh Jennifer, that must have been so scary!! SO wonderful you got to hear the heartbeat…

      I am so grateful you came by and shared your sweet encouragement. Thank you SO much. It means the world to me.

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