Devotional Diary: Fear. (Time To Cut The Tumor Out)

Devotional Diary:  Fear The Doctor called Wednesday afternoon, and this time I was able to pick up the phone.  I knew what was on the other end… the date and time of the surgery.  October 31st at 12:30, arrival time for pre-op at 10:30 and won’t be home until late in the evening.  After the school parties, the parade and trick or treating.  When I hung up the phone, I immediately felt the surge of anxiety pulse through my heart as I thought of my children.  All mothers have this direct line of consciousness when faced with a glitch in their plans, a bump in their road, a ripple that throws off the ebb and flow of parenting.

Well now THAT day I surely have nothing going on!  Good grief.  As I frantically started on the trail of canceling, coordinating, and covering… I had unraveled my mind into a fried up frenzy.

Halloween of all days?

And I have less than one week to pull my house and kids together in preparation for this day and the recovery days to follow?  Oh Lord. 

I have issues with things being ‘undone’.  It’s just my anxiety hard at work- needing things in ‘place’, while I spiral out of place.  This is how I operate and how I deal with letting go.  I will do everything in my power to make it all right, before it all may go wrong…  Being prepared, gives me some sort of comfort- knowing I’ve done all I could do, until the very moment I could do no more.

So the last few days, I have been relentless in pursuing a plan.  I need a plan.  Without a plan, I cannot focus on the most important thing…

Cutting this tumor out of me.

Add to the madness, the kids have been home from school the past two days while I attempt to do such things.  No quiet time to compose myself, to put order in my head and in my home, and in my heart.  The pace of motherhood never settles, and the persistent interruptions of my children RIGHT in front of me, lent a mighty hand in stirring the dust and dirt of exhaustion all around.

Off to the mini-golf “mommy and son” event.  Swim team practices, a jiujitsu tournament out of town, friends coming over, running after a lost cat, doing homework, parent teacher conferences…and on and on.

Being a parent never stops, even when you are screaming for it to.  So you go, and do, and help, and feed and drive and make meetings and appointments and follow through on every responsibility your precious children rely on.

I am doing just that.

But in the wee hours of the night…

I worry.  And to be honest, I’m scared.

I don’t want this.  I am mad and depressed that I have to endure yet another surgery, recovery, healing…risk.

She will be cutting around my ear.  Rounding about facial nerves and the salivary gland and brushing by some pretty important ‘stuff’ in there.  And I try so hard to not go there.

The what ifs.

But I do.  They spiral in and out when I least expect them.  Punching my peace with a chilling blow.

What if this SUPER pregnant surgeon finally gives in to all the hormonal and physical ailments that simply drop her to the floor on the morning of my surgery?  What if her water breaks?  How on EARTH will she do such an extensive surgery with her baby kicking left and right and pushing here and there.  Good Lord, I could barely teach children music at that point in my pregnancy.  She is doing major surgery!  What if those Braxton Hicks contractions emerge while she is navigating around say, an artery?  What if she wakes up that day, feeling like total crap and her blood sugar drops and her hands are all shaky and quivering as she blinks over and over again, trying to keep the tears from falling into her microscopic lenses, quickly filling up with the mist of estrogen fog… she grits her teeth and squeezes the scalpel with all her might, while counting the tics and the tocks of her motherhood time clock as her surgical mask drips with sweat. What if she has to pee?  I mean, three hours is a very very very long time when you are nearing the end. 

 What if?

 I will pray for her.  Oh how I will pray for her.  Oh yes, she needs prayer.  The poor woman needs prayer.

What if my nerves get caught up in the cutting and my face is paralyzed?  My gland is punctured?  My ear is mangled?  My jaw can’t open? What if I go into some weird shock or can’t wake up?  What if she finds something worse when she goes in?  What if I am in severe pain when I wake up?  Or worse, I am so drugged up it lasts for days?  What if my head and face are swollen, bruised and bloody?  What if an infection occurs?  What if I can’t eat for a week or two or three?  What if the scar is ghastly?  What if she shaves my head?  Will I be wrapped in layers of bandages like a mummy? What if I can’t twist my neck?  What if I grind on it and exacerbate the wound and she goes into labor and has the baby and disappears forever without re-stitching me back up?  And on and on they roll in, and out, and in, and out.

What if something…

Goes wrong.

The 20% comes crashing in.

What if?

I’ve been in this place of constant questioning a thousand times before.  I have.  And I know.  God’s got this.  No matter the outcome.  He’s got this.  The Author has already wrote this chapter. 

So I take my worries and my fear and place it in the only hands I trust…

His. 

I have to. 

Have you ever been there?  At the end of all you can control?  I’m sure you have.  We all have been there.

There is simply nothing else you can possibly do on your own.

Cue God.

Once again, I will place my life, my kids, my husband, and my story in His Hands.

It’s all God’s anyway. 

2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV)

 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

 

 

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Comments

  1. says

    I know what you mean. I am big on controlling the things I can control when I’m feeling out of control, and I’m big on preparing when there is something that I’m nervous about. I will keep you in my prayers. Oh, and I agree. Halloween is a lousy day for a surgery.

    • says

      I love that you totally get me Jennifer! As I sit here doing my comments after 1:00 in the morning, like an idiot trying to wrap things up so I can feel sane tomorrow!

      Ugh.

      I figure I can sleep tomorrow after the surgery, right? 😉

  2. says

    Chris, I am saying some extra prayers and keeping you close to my thoughts this week. I can’t believe Halloween of all days, but as moms I suppose just another day. And you are right life never stops for us moms. Seriously though I am sending good thoughts your way and hoping that everything goes smoothly with your surgery for you. Thinking of you and sending hugs your way!

    • says

      Oh janine… thank you SO much for your sweet encouragement and support!!! I am SO blessed you came along when you did!!!

      And I am SUPER excited for our new friendship!! YAY!!! 🙂

  3. says

    The super pregnant doctor will have help! Nurses. God. You have all got this. This is just the Halloween spooky ending to this particular chapter in your life.
    I’ll be thinking of you that day. We’ve missed a few Halloweens due to illness, freak blizzards, pregnancy and moving. You’ll still be able to see kids in costumes, though! And eat candy, if they’ll let you.

    • says

      I won’t see the kids in costumes… 🙁 But worse things have certainly happened. I leave at ten tomorrow morning and don’t get back til later that evening. I arranged for them to go to a friends house after school, trick or treat with their families and sleep over.

      They are super excited though- so that’s good. They would NEVER get a sleepover on a school night! 😉

      Thanks for all your love and support Tamara. It means the WORLD to me. XO

  4. says

    True stuff. Good stuff. But on HALLOWEEN?!! With a VERY PREGNANT doctor? You’re right, God’s got this. He always does. Prayers for a safe and successful surgery and recovery.

    • says

      Thanks so much Laurie. Your support means so much to me…

      XO

      And now a terrible tornadoesque storm is approaching for tomorrow. Good Grief X 3. 😉

  5. says

    I’m the type that would be planning and making sure everything is going the way it should right up to the surgery itself. It’s the mom in us. God’s definitely got this, Chris. He always does. I will be saying some extra prayers for you this week. Thinking of you as always! xo

    • says

      And then ya know what happens? Shit happens! And you get nothing NOTHING done that you planned and you stay up WAY too late the night before trying to get stuff done so you don’t LOSE your mind!

      LOL

      Such is life, amIright? XO

      It’s all good. All lovely distractions- at least that’s what I’m trying to believe!

  6. says

    Why Halloween? God really does have a sense of humor… You will come through this just fine, but I totally get ALL that you are worrying about right now! Hugs and positive thoughts sent in your direction.

    You have a lot on your plate this week-and here I was just worried how I could do my one class and get to town to get groceries and back before the Halloween parties at school. Small potatoes, for sure… 🙂

    • says

      Oh my friend, it’s ALL relative!! I could easily say that my week is easy compared to my friend’s best friend, who is watching her husband come out of a 14 hour surgery to take away the phantom pain of his legs which he can no longer use because of a car accident.

      It’s sooooo all relative.

      I love your support more than you know. XO

  7. says

    Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for good, not evil, plans to give you hope and a future.” Oh, my soul sister, don’t worry & fret, God has your back…. I LOVE you & so does God. You have this under control, just some jitters… XO, Lovey! 🙂

    • says

      Every time I see your name or read your words or think of you, I wanna cry!! I start to cry!!! Be sloppy crocodile tears!! Because THAT’S how much I love you and how much you- precious you- touch my heart, crack it wide open- and pour love all over it.

      Taking it all in my SS. That should totally be our initials/nicknames for each other!!! (Soul Sisters) SS!!!!!!! You’re my SSF!!!!! (I like that even better!!! Soul Sisters FOREVER!!!!!! YIPPEE!!!! Now, I am giggly and happy. 😉

    • says

      Dude!! Stop messaging me!! I am TRYING to get these comments done!!

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

      Okay- now I am crying because I am laughing so freaking hard!!

  8. says

    I know it’s so hard to let go of control, and how frightening it is when you don’t have any. But you have faith, and you have tons of people praying for you, and you are going to be fine. xoxo

    • says

      Oh Dana- I just love your comment. It exudes such peace and confidence. I am so grateful you stopped by to bless me with your beautiful support. Thank you so much my friend. XO

  9. Tammy says

    Oh babe! I totally know how the fears and worries you’re experiencing feel…it sucks. But you have your head where it needs to be – focused on the Author of all good things. Your emotions may have a tough time jumping on board with it, but deep down in that sure, faith-filled place you find yourself. You find Him. You find peace.
    Know that I am praying feverishly for you, Derek, the kids and your surgeon. Trusting in His plan for you.

    For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

    And as a dear woman has shared with us…
    All means All.

    XOXO (the hugs – full body, leg-wrapping-around-you hugs, the kisses – big slobbery ones that leave my lipstick all over your cheek) ; )

    • says

      Mmmmm…. just taking in your love, His Truth, and especially your HUG!!!!! Just how I like ’em!!!

      You are so good to me, WPB. I am so blessed. XOXO

      Can’t WAIT to get smothered!!

  10. Angie says

    Your not alone in your fears. Praying for you & your about to pop surgen. Anything I can do to help just ask. Love you.

    • says

      Love you too Ang!! I always LOVE seeing you here!! You are so dear to me… thank you so so much hun. I’ll take a “Chrissy hug” next time I see you. Yep- that means major MAJOR boundaries to cross!!! Hey- come on! You said “anything I can do”… out of your comfort zone girl!! LOL (Gonna smother you!)

  11. says

    I’ve been wondering how soon everything would happen – pretty quick! The surgeon will be in complete control because God will guide her hands.
    I will be thinking of you and your family all week and especially on Thursday. I will be praying for you to be filled with peace and calm and for your uber pregnant surgeon.

    • says

      Oh Kim, thank you so so much. It is such a blessing to feel so much support and to know you are thinking and praying for me. Just so grateful for that. SO grateful. XO

  12. Shelly says

    Chrissy you’re in my thoughts and prayers. I know in my heart of hearts you’re going to come through all of this with flying colors…you hang in there! The Doctor, albeit late into pregnancy, sounds like she has a lot going for her with the empathy and excellent communication skills she’s demonstrated. Once this ordeal is behind you, you’re going to feel so much better its gone and hopefully the crazy sinus issues too. You’re one strong Lady…You’ve got this!!

    • says

      Your precious support and confidence in the outcome has been an incredible blessing Shelly. I am SO grateful for you!!! You are truly like a sister- and an aunt to my kids. We are FAMILY!!! XOXO

      And DAMN that bruchetta rocked!!! 😉

  13. says

    It does seem so unfair to be having your surgery on Halloween:(( But, maybe it is because the distraction of the fun event will be good for your kids. I will pray for that surgeon that she will be able to preform the surgery with the hands of angels. And don’t worry, angels will be all around you. Lots of prayers coming your way. xox

    • says

      That’s such a great insight that I never even thought about Leah!! Your are SO right!! They will be too busy having fun to even remember where I am!! Thank you for all your love and support.

      I will now picture those angels around me, as I am lying there when they put me under. Oh what a blessing you gave me. The perfect image for me to have… SO grateful Leah!

  14. says

    My dear, brave, warrior friend. You’re right to be scared – it’s healthy. We are made perfectly with an instinct to protect us from harm, and it seems to fly in the face of that instinct to voluntarily lie down and let someone cut you open. Your anxieties are valid; real; normal; allowed.

    And as much as I’d love to trust God on this one, implicitly, I’m hyper-aware that all we can do is say that we can never understand His ways, or comprehend the things He allows.

    But we can know that ultimately, in the end, all authority and victory are His, now and forever.

    Which can sometimes (often?) feel a little like cold comfort.

    So pray your heart out, and I’ll try my best to join you.

    Keep as much under control as you can, to keep yourself from losing your grip and giving into those fears.

    Keep your family around you, and remember that even in those moments where you wish you could put everyone and everything else into suspended animation and shut them down, they are still blessings.

    Keep seeking Good Things to do.

    And just breathe.

    Breathe and pray.

    And have a line
    ______________________________________________

    • says

      Seriously- how do you do it? Your words… your beautiful words. They always penetrate me so so deeply. And bless me so richly. It’s hard to pick just one- but this is my favorite line of all:

      But we can know that ultimately, in the end, all authority and victory are His, now and forever.

      Oh Lizzi, I want you to write a devotional for my series. Would you? Could you? Only if you are comfortable doing so…

      If not- give me anything. ANYTHING- and I will publish it here. (Well almost anything- not the post you banned me from though- whatever it was… maybe some weird stuff I don’t know about!! lol)

      • says

        Never ever the one I banned you from. It’s not worth it, I promise! It was for a good cause, but just you stay away, ‘kay? *hugs*

        I really don’t know how I do it – I guess I don’t really think that I do!

        That’s a gorgeous offer, and I’d be very pleased to try to take you up on it – I can’t guarantee that it’ll be any good, and I doubt it’ll end with such strength of faith and hope as yours always do, but I’ll have a go, for you 🙂 Thank you.

        *MASSIVEHUGS*

  15. says

    Awww Chris! I can only imagine how you feel my friend!! I thank You Father in Jesus’ name that You calm Chris’ fears, that Your peace which passes ALL understanding overwhelms her, that You will guide the surgeon’s hands that day and everything…her surgery, her recovery and her health will turn out perfect. And Lord, I thank You that in the midst of all of this, you’ll keep her home and surround her with a great support group, who’ll help her greatly during her recovery. In Your name we pray. Amen! Remember my sweet friend, the same God who got you through your first surgery is the same God who’ll get you through this one! 🙂 Love you much girl! xoxoxo

  16. says

    Chris – Once again I am in “AWE” of how raw with emotions your post is. God IS in this — look at the lives you are touching through this ordeal!?! I marvel at your faith my dear sweet friend and I must admit, snicker at your anxious thoughts you shared. Why? It’s what every woman would be thinking in your shoes 😉
    You best believe that there will be prayers pouring over you, your family and the pregnant surgeon. I’ll bet NEXT year she won’t be doing surgery on Halloween – she’ll have a little one to get ready for Trick or Treat — just saying 😉 Transmitting a virtual “Chrissy” hug right now!! Love you!

    • says

      I TOTALLY giggled when I wrote about my prego surgeon!!! I’m so glad you caught it and snickered too!! It definitely had my “Chrissy spin” to it, eh?

      I couldn’t be more grateful that you are in this with me. Both in this blog of mine, and in this life of mine. You bless me so… XO

  17. says

    I’ll be praying for you this Halloween sweet friend and for your pregnant surgeon too. I know it will all go smoothly and next Halloween you will look back and say “remember last year when I was in surgery? Pass the cider!”
    oxoxo

    • says

      Oh how I love your comment Stephanie!! That is EXACTLY what I will be doing next year!!! Oh thank you, friend. Thank you for making me laugh and giving me such beautiful encouragement. XO

  18. says

    Oh, gracious. And on Halloween…as if you didn’t have enough to plan around and worry about. GAH!!! But you know, I’m glad they are doing it and not waiting. This way you are on your road to recovery that much faster.

    I know it’s hard not to think of all the “what ifs” but try not to dwell on them. Your surgeon will be fine. If anything, I bet she has pulled back on her schedule some at the end of her pregnancy and is probably better rested and fresher than she would be if she wasn’t pregnant. (I know that’s the way it was for me. Toward the end I was doing a lighter schedule…and frankly, that was so great that I was probably a much better physician because of it!)
    We will be sending out all of our prayers and lifting you up, Chris. We love you sweet friend, and we are right there with you in our hearts!! –Lisa

    • says

      Oh Lisa!! That is just SUCH a relief to know that!!! Will you fly down here and be at the hospital with me? I need Dr. Lisa by my side!!! Oh wait- you would probably cause me to flat-line because I would be so FREAKING excited to see you!!! Never mind. LOL

      Love you. So much. XO

  19. says

    I am praying for you now, praying for your surgeon, your family, and most importantly your health and healing after this. I was a medical device rep for over 10 years and in countless surgeries. It’s a job you go and do every day, multiple times a day…well trained. You don’t even think about it and all goes well! It’s when you are the patient that you start worrying…and the what-ifs pop in. Leave your worries and let God walk with you and shoulder those. You have my prayers!!

    • says

      Oh Jen, your comment is so encouraging to me! Thank you so much for sharing your inside scoop! It really brings me peace… and so do your prayers! I just am so grateful you came by to give me both. XO

  20. says

    So hard. I would be doing the same thing. It’s human. To wrestle with this stuff and bring God into it? It’s all He wants…for us to wrestle…with Him. Hang in there!

    • says

      Thanks to you, I have been completely distracted today on my latest post. I’m all FIRED up!!

      Thanks so much for your support Julie. It means the world to me. Now get your butt over to our church!! I will smother you with sloppy wet kisses and hugs! 😉 Oh, and dear precious Andrew is WELCOME anytime. XO

  21. says

    Beautiful thoughts, full of authenticity and faith and fear and doubt and hope and all that is good about this wonderful lady. My prayers, and many others, are covering you, my sister. I will pray specifically for you to sense God’s presence in these next few days. Listen. Be still. Breathe. Let others love you……

    • says

      Thank you from the bottom of my heart for commenting and for all your love and support and prayers. Oh God has been flooding through me like never before! He has a way of doing that, as you know. 🙂

  22. says

    Beautiful words, my lovely friend. I’ll be praying for you and for the surgeon. I feel that it’s impossible to NOT go to the list of What If’s that pop into our minds. Letting God help is perfect. I’m sorry that your surgery is set for Halloween…but you’re right. Getting that tumor out of you is what matters. Sending you prayers and peace.
    xo

    • says

      Thank you so so much Kristi!! I am so grateful we have connected and extra thankful for your prayers and support!! I can’t wait to read your latest, when I am over this thing. XO

  23. says

    Crying as I think about how gorgeous it is that you can find such hope and grace within your storm…and use it to so bless others. Chris, I am praying so hard and so awed by how incredibly gorgeous you are. Love you.

    • says

      Oh Meredith!!! You just melted my heart into a puddle of tears. You make me feel so special… so gorgeous, just because you are always so gorgeous to me. Thank you, love. Thank you. XO

  24. says

    I will be praying for you, your recovery, your family, your doctor and the medical staff caring for you. You are right, this chapter has been written, He will take care of you! You have a lot of prayers being said for you and I’m confident that you will be just fine.
    That being said, I have to say that you are SO much like me. I do this every time I’ve had surgery. The simplest of surgeries I had in August, they scoped my stomach. For some reason tho, that surgery was the hardest for me. I’ve never cried before surgery, but this one….I bawled like a baby. I wanted to run away and not have it done. I even at one point begged my husband to take me home and get me out of there. I didn’t want to do it. Everything went smoothly, I just for a moment let my fear overcome my faith.

    • says

      Oh Melissa!! You poor thing!! It’s amazing how we can go from being so strong to shriveling up into a giant ball of fear, isn’t it? I will try to stay strong…

      It’s just gotta be done. So I need to march on in there and as my cousin says, “Just getter done!” Ugh. My stomach swirls every time I think of it. I’m almost there… just want it over.

      Thank yo for your precious support and prayers. It means the WORLD to me, my friend. XO

  25. Amy says

    Praying for you, friend. I wanted to type “hang tough”, but then an old song popped in my head…”hangin’ tough” by New Kids on The Block. LOL

  26. says

    I feel just awful that I’m so far behind in reading that I haven’t had a chance to comment, but I want you to know that I am all caught up after having read today’s (11.1) post, and I am keeping you in my prayers. I hope the pain subsides and the aftermath is simply chalked up to post-surgery “stuff.” Stay strong, lady! xo

    • says

      Thanks SO much for taking the time to catch up with me, Stephanie! I know how crazy busy you are… and I am so grateful you came by to support and encourage me, sweet friend!

      It’s definitely been a rough few weeks. But in time, I pray it will all be over. I’m lucky to be able to even say that. XO

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