I’m in a season of madness, functioning, and frantic scurrying to get ‘things done’. I am task oriented and overwhelmed, as my priorities fight for first in line. No time to take a breath, reflect or process… barely an utterance of silence in my mind. Instead of long lingering prayers, I am unable to still myself long enough to sift through the endless swirling of my head to find that peaceful place of quiet.
Stress does that.
My prayers have resorted to sighs, gasps, groans, and abbreviated hiccups that beg for more. But the hunger waits. This is the time for focus and functioning more than prayer and pondering. That’s hard for me. I am driven and designed to still my heart and cleanse its anxious vapors, in order to operate in this world. When I can’t- the art of living becomes superficial and pretentious, strained and too pragmatic. I’d rather dwell in the deep and lurk in the flow of feeling.
But for now- I linger here. Not settled, but surviving.
When my senses are off, my prayers lose their course. Thank God He understands and knows me well. Thank God, for His Patience and Goodness and Grace. Thank God, for receiving my groans and sighs and hiccups with His unconditional love…
“Be with me Lord.”
“What do I do next, God?”
“I know. I’m trying.”
“Is this where you want me?”
Random thoughts inevitably start infiltrating, unable to keep up with them as I sort through the infinite list and bouncing balls that juggle aimlessly in my head.
I feel disconnected, disoriented and disengaged.
Drowning in my own madness, I often don’t allow space or time or pause, within these barriers- So I must be calculated in discerning where my values can direct my actions. Be intentional, even in my thoughts.
Decisions should always be done this way… Even amidst the muck.
So I am taking this time- chasing it down. Not carelessly cruising around it’s borders, but like a hawk circling its prey- I dive in to fully attack that creature darting at top speed for survival… This time, I am going to trap it and hold it captive- so that I can once again claim my peaceful place. I am fervently GRABBING this moment with full tenacity to realign my heart, so that my life will begin to resonate with the purpose and passion it deserves.
Here I am Lord.