Coach Daddy Asks…

January 16, 2013   Mom Talk   64 Comments
Man Vs Woman

 

If you haven’t read the dialogue posted over at Eli’s place last week…then you simply must go there first.  It’s been quite a journey of growing awareness and education for both our gender related inquiries and concerns.  I asked some pertinent questions and Eli provided us with exquisite answers. Now it’s his turn to ask…

Let the second-half of the game BEGIN!!

 

Dear Miss Ms/Mrs.,

Thank you for submitting your questions to the less-fair gender. We hope you have a deeper understanding of the underpinnings inherent of being a man.

We get to ask the questions now. I want to diffuse any thought early that this is a gender-driven tug-of-war. There will be no one-upmanship. No manning the cannons. No man-driven, manic agenda here.

Just free-flowing discourse. I appoint myself managing partner and question/answer czar for all mankind. I represent the district of men who’ve evolved from knuckle-dragging, but can appreciate a messy rack of ribs. Who’ve actually read a book without pictures, but don’t mind sitting in the pretty waitress’ section.

Who’ve loved and adored your gender at various times in our lives, any time after packing away our LEGOs and Nerf footballs and swimsuit issues, but who do sometimes purposely forget to shave our faces. We do listen, but we don’t do manicures. We’ll even cook and play with the kids, but we won’t moisturize or whine on Girls Night Out.

We consider ourselves the refined district of manhood, and we have questions, Christine Carter.

What’s up with purses?

We men have all carried bags. Lunch bags. Duffle bags. Bags of donuts. Hell, your bag, while you try on clothes. We’re baffled by what happens in the woman’s hand bag. What’s in there? Why must you carry it everywhere? Why does it often resemble a largemouth bass, affixed with handles and stuffed to the gills with the ultimate and useless survival kit for your gender?

If men carried bags, we’d fill them, too, with essentials: A deck of cards. A baseball and a Sharpie (just in case we run into Tim Tebow at church or Pacman Jones at the club).  Beef jerky, perhaps. But we’d leave it behind when we went shopping. Or hiking. Or high-stepping it to the gas station after we’ve ignored the low-fuel light for 312 miles.

MISSES’ANSWER:

Oh dear man, it’s not about the purses…it’s about the planning, preparation, and protection all in one place.  If you would open up any size purse with which a woman holds, you will find all the essentials for any and all situations…lest they arrive.

Hungry?  Here’s a snack.  Sniffles?  Got tissue.  Chapped lips?  Got chapstick.  Bad breathe?  Got mints.  Out of money?  Got that too.  Monthly visit?  Covered.  Rattle for the baby?  Here ya go.  Teeth need brushed?  Travel toothbrush right here.  Hands dirty?  Here are some wipes.  Going shopping?  I got coupons.  Kids annoyed?  Lollipops here.  Don’t like that flavor gum?  Here’s three more kinds. Hair a mess?  Here’s a brush.  Need a pen and paper too?  Check.  A pencil for homework? Yep.  Bored?  Here’s a book.  All cried out?  Here’s more mascara. You get the point…

You see we women are all about being prepared.  We plan according to what “might” happen…as you plan according to, well…what is actually happen-ing.  How many times has a women’s purse parts saved you, I ask?  It’s kind of what we do.  We are ready for anything that lies ahead…of us.  You live in the moment.  We live for the moment.  It’s that simple.  A nice balance perhaps?

What’s up with the feminine hygiene aisle?

I’m a brave man. I’m not afraid of snakes, spiders, punk kids in malls, flu viruses or the singer Pink. I do, however, get a little sweaty and shaky when you ask,” can you pick up some pads?” Unless they’re fun pads, steno pads or launching pads, even, I really.don’t.want.to.

Heavy-flow days. Overnight. Scented. Unscented. Tampons. Pads. Pantiliners. Maxipads. With wings. With aloe. With man-detecting-radar-which-I-swear-changes-color-packaging-and-terminology-to-bring-hell-to-earth-without-the-gentle-glide.

Why can’t we catalog all the products (tampons, pads, maxipads, pantiliners, maxi-liners and tampads, or whatever) by serial number, like car parts? If the water pump goes on my ’92 Buick LaSabre, I go to Auto Zone and look it up. XE-3492. A dude gets me the part. I can get the oil filter, too, just by knowing the model.

What? A GD-32293? Sure, we have those.

Maybe if you all had model numbers and years, we could just say, “Hey, I have a 73 Hilda who needs an overnight pad with wings.”

“Sure, mac. HH-6663. Better take two.”

MISSES’ ANSWER:

I know this is both uncomfortable and confusing for you to manage, and for that I am deeply sorry.  I know it’s hard to understand all of these essentials as us women have to cope with and bear through the aches and pains of menstruation, ovulation, childbirth, recovery, menopause and such.  I know your difficulty in understanding that infamous aisle is partly our fault.

You see, we women are very complex.  Our Heavenly Creator thought it best to give us all of it.  And spare you any of it.  Father God took one look at Adam and declared on the sixth day that Eve would just bear it all.  Lucky us!

The monthly horrific draining yields excruciating abdominal pain and headaches as our world floods in a cesspool of hormonal tidal waves and peaking irrational thought.  This trauma begins very early in our growing years, so innocent and young.  Then it haunts and terrorizes us until we are nearing the end of our hormonal journey.  But if we would like to create human beings…well then there is the nine months gestation, hormonal fluctuations, our entire body being sacrificed to create a human being, the pushing of the human being out of our tiny part whereby the gates of Hades violently tear open and the rolling wildfire purges a baby.  Then there are about three years recuperation, but if we’re lucky…recovery may be interrupted by another nine months gestation, hormonal fluctuations, our entire body being sacrificed to create a human being, the pushing of the human being out of our tiny part whereby the gates of Hades violently tear open and the rolling wildfire purges a baby.  And perhaps if we want a big family… the recuperation is interrupted over and over again, therefore giving us the inevitable super power of miraculous endurance.  Once we have gone through these seasons of our womanly life…we top off our journey with the beautiful and reflective years of menopause.  Ah yes…the Golden years of hot sweats and no sleep…hormonal highs and hormonal lows.  Kinda like menstruation but instead it’s ongoing all the time and holds many fun surprises!  You’ll see.

But back to the aisle, because clearly…it’s hard on you.  Poor, poor you wandering in that painfully overwhelming aisle just wishing for a way out…

We get that it’s just too much to handle.

 Why do you worry so much?

We kind of get it. We worry about stuff, too. Can the Ravens stop Tom Brady? Can I grill salmon after sundown without overdoing it? Will the fellas at the office notice if I have to borrow your berry-scented Secret deodorant because I’m all out of my Old Spice?

But once we’ve crushed a bratwurst, some onion rings and a Pepsi max, and our head hits the pillow, it’s all tomorrow’s problem.

I bet even Barack Obama, the man with the toughest job in America (outside of the dude who has to stock the feminine hygiene aisle at Piggly Wiggly) can forget his troubles and snore on the couch after a hard day’s work.

So, that’s what we want to know. We love that you’re more likely to have a bandage for the kids if needed out of your purse (and probably a collector’s DVD set of Three Stooges classics, if you packed right), have different hygienic needs than we, and are often the glue that holds together our worlds, but … help a brother out?

We don’t need to understand you. We just need to appear to from time to time without having to push a cart around in Garden Ridge on an NFL Sunday afternoon.

MISSES’ ANSWER:

Oh how we wish we could be like you men and not worry!  We watch you sleep so soundly and wonder how…why…how…why?

If only the weight of the world did not dominate the fretting firing neurons in our mind!  You see, we can’t rest knowing there are things undone, unclean, unclear, undecided, unplanned, unknown, unresolved, unimaginable, unorganized, un.

Remember, we are complicated.  Our thoughts go round the bend about 4,000 times faster than yours.  And our emotional state is bound by those hormones and those thoughts.  It’s just a universal spiral of winding roads and hills and valleys…

We can’t stop the speed or the depth from which our anxious rumbles radiate.

You see, while you can immediately turn your switch off …we cannot tell our switch to do that.  Our switch has it’s own power that rules our world every. Single. Minute.  Our engine is not in control.  The current is flying through our veins, whether we tell it to stop, or try to turn it off.  And if by some way, we can worry through the turns and bumps and possible detours of all predicaments?  We might be less likely to worry through the next tour of duty… so we hope.

Believe me.  We wish we could be more like you.  We try. Try hard.  So hard.  Oh so, so hard.  We really don’t like to worry.  And we really enjoy sleep.  Restful sleep that we scarcely get in between the trauma of menstruation, creation, (repeat unending) and eventually menopause.  But we need somebody to rest and stay still while we pace.  And that is why we have you…

You truly are our rock.  Our anchor.  We just can’t handle stress like you do.  But we count on you for the freshly paved road with no bumps or detours or turns…

Whether you wander the aisle holding our purse for us or not.

So rest assured.  Rest you will.

And in the morning we will have your spreadsheets ready…

 

 

 

PROWESS AND PEARLS

 

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64 Responses to Coach Daddy Asks…

  1. Eli@coachdaddy says:
    January 16, 2013 at 4:04 am

    Aha! The secrets to the universe.

    I can now sleep soundly.

    G’nite, CC!
    Eli@coachdaddy recently posted..5 For Friday: Go Ask Daddy About Skunk Fritters, Sideline Signs and Hail Mary PassesMy Profile

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  2. Marcia says:
    January 16, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    Love it! Truly an educational piece that all women should have their men read! Love it!

    Reply
  3. Alexa says:
    January 16, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    There is a reason they say men are from mars and women from venus! Planets separate our thinking!!! This was highly entertaining!
    Alexa recently posted..Marble Art Valentine Cards – A Crafty Guest Post!My Profile

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  4. thedoseofreality says:
    January 16, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    Ha ha ha Chris! My favorite answer was to the worry section…I laughed out loud! :)
    thedoseofreality recently posted..It’s All Fun and Games Until Your Child’s Head Itches During A Lice OutbreakMy Profile

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  5. Melany Berger says:
    January 16, 2013 at 4:25 pm

    Hi Coach! So, let me address one of the the reasons we need to carry such a large purse. TO HOLD YOUR THINGS! I always end up holding a man’s wallet, keys, papers, with little as much as a Thank you! But, you are welcome! This “Missus” here loves and worries about her teams as well. For example, I am worried about the 49ers and how I will be able to get a great seat watching the game while attending the Phx Open. Don’t group all us ladies together in the same category. Worrying- Have you ever hear the expression behind every man is an AMAZING woman. True! Fact. BTW- Feminine Products are complicated and there are many choice but so are the sizes of condoms. But, lets not go there. Funny piece!

    Reply
  6. AnnMarie says:
    January 16, 2013 at 4:36 pm

    This is hilarious! I laughed out loud at the feminine hygiene aisle one. So, so funny! Game well played by both of you!
    AnnMarie recently posted..Short Post: New YorkMy Profile

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  7. another jennifer says:
    January 16, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    Well, you certainly told him, Chris! Great job, especially with the feminine hygiene explanation. Seriously, how hard is it to pick up a box of pads, compared to what our bodies goes through in a lifetime?

    For the record, I keep a very small clutch purse that holds everything I need in it.

    And, no, the Ravens cannot stop Tom Brady. They can hang out with Pacman at the club next weekend.
    another jennifer recently posted..Tips for enjoying a big football game (vlog!)My Profile

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    • momcafe says:
      January 16, 2013 at 6:11 pm

      I know I know!!! Like there isn’t a variety of EVERYTHING in this WORLD EVERYWHERE including said condoms… Nice move on the small clutch. I have a purse STUFFED with “stuff” but hate HATE dragging it around with me!! I love this comment… hope Eli reads it too!!! You go GIRL with your fancy sports talk and all!!! ;)

      Reply
      • Eli@coachdaddy says:
        January 16, 2013 at 10:03 pm

        The feminine hygiene aisle is a different level of hell, and you women have to know this. I could more accurately break down DNA compounds with a crayon than navigate that mess.

        I do believe the Ravens will handle Tom Brady, too, in fact. So he’ll have more time to see if the man who can pick apart the Texans’ defense can guarantee he’ll get the right pads with wings and aloe for overnight use like the rest of us try to!
        Eli@coachdaddy recently posted..This Time, It’s Coach Daddy’s Turn To Ask The Questions …My Profile

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  8. Tammy says:
    January 16, 2013 at 6:19 pm

    Well, it’s all out there now! No reason for any of us – either gender – to wonder anymore! Now, if I can just remember not to WORRY about what my husband is doing, what he’s forgetting to do, that very important thing he didn’t hear me ask him to do (even though he nodded in response)….
    God love’em!

    Reply
  9. michelle @ this little light says:
    January 16, 2013 at 6:58 pm

    Oh, man, I was crying / laughing over the serial numbers on pads. My husband (God bless him) never says “no” when I add those to his market run list, but I have to send a picture of the label to his phone for accuracy.

    This series is a joy!
    michelle @ this little light recently posted..Whatchoo-Wish-You-Were-Wearin’ Wednesday : You Say It’s My Birthday!My Profile

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    • momcafe says:
      January 16, 2013 at 7:12 pm

      I know…isn’t it HILARIOUS???!!!! God love that Eli….he knows how to roll the words out well. Send a picture via phone…BRILLIANT!!!! Oh that is just the BEST idea EVER!!!!! What do you think, Eli? Would that work for you??? (I’m sure he will respond at some point…but not in our time-HIS time)(Perhaps the next inquiry coming from me…the “time factor”!)

      Reply
  10. Michell says:
    January 16, 2013 at 7:43 pm

    Hahahaa…Kudos to you both on a job well done! GREAT questions Eli and GREAT answers Chris! I feel you Eli…even I hate going down that aisle, lol! Thanks Chris for linking up and you guys have a GREAT day! ;-)
    Michell recently posted..Not your ordinary link-up!!My Profile

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  11. Hope says:
    January 16, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    Hahahaha!!! This was hilarious! Great Questions by Eli. I love your answer about the purses Chris. Aren’t they life savers?

    And the feminine aisles. The once or twice I sent my husband, he took a million pictures and kept texting “this one?” and always bring home the wrong one. lol.

    Great piece! Thanks for the laugh
    Hope recently posted..When Parents Pray…My Profile

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  12. JDaniel4's Mom says:
    January 17, 2013 at 2:15 am

    It is like you have read my mind. I just kept nodding my head up and down as I read this post.
    JDaniel4′s Mom recently posted..Recipe- Red, White and Blue PopcornMy Profile

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  13. Melissa says:
    January 17, 2013 at 7:15 pm

    I know this blog-off took place a while ago, I know, late to the party! However, first hilarious, but second…we have a real SHIFT at our house. My husband stays at home caring for the kids while I work outside the home. So, these question responses are hilarious to me!! Now that I enjoy the freedom of leaving everyday, I have softened, weakened! I know, I couldn’t believe it myself! I am the one who is a baby when sick and comes home (to an expectant face looking for missing ingredients for dinner) empty handed. Sad, so very, very sad. My take? I do it because I CAN. He will jump in and take care of me as I DIE with the sniffles…he will come up with another plan for dinner, excusing my forgetfulness. Enabler!

    Of course, there is a clear difference with him staying at home though. The baby usually looks like he is straight out of a trailer park in a dirty, juice stained onesie. There is usually left over of breakfast, lunch and snack on his mouth…hair…up his nose when I come home. He truly looks homeless. Our older two are equally disheveled, books and paper strewn throughout the dining room where homework was attempted and disintegrated. Both kids are punished and in their rooms by the time I enter!

    It really is amazing that there can be so much different about us, but typically, we work together! Love and lots of laughter!! Drugs and beer, no, I am kidding..sort of!

    Reply
    • Eli@coachdaddy says:
      January 18, 2013 at 2:41 am

      Somehow, the human race has thrived for a generation or two – even with we dads sometimes feeding and clothing! Leftover meals on the face are just snacks for the kid for later, by the way.
      Eli@coachdaddy recently posted..This Time, It’s Coach Daddy’s Turn To Ask The Questions …My Profile

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    • momcafe says:
      January 18, 2013 at 3:09 am

      I just LOVE this comment!! Oh my pea… SO fun to see you in this THIS role!!! And GOD bless Blakie with all his efforts and for taking care of it all when you are DYING of a cold. ;) I can picture little Fagan all sloppy and wet, K and K in their rooms and Blake’s hair all tussled and his eyes darkened with that “stay at home” glare… My how the times have changed!!! Oh what a family you have- full of all the good stuff that makes it JUST right. I wonder what Blake would say in a comment…? What would his take be? Hmm…

      Reply
  14. Mothering From Scratch says:
    January 17, 2013 at 10:45 pm

    {Melinda} This is hilarious — love the honesty. So much rings true! :)
    Mothering From Scratch recently posted..The Perks of Being a Distracted MotherMy Profile

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  15. Sue Theimer says:
    January 18, 2013 at 1:26 am

    What fun! Could not wait to hear you and Eli “spar”! This truly is a match made in Blogville. Keep on traveling the road, while I sit in my rocker, as the light at the end of the tunnel dims and seniorpeoplemeet.com shows no matches and no flirts. . .do older men no longer flirt. . . . .? ? ?

    Reply
    • momcafe says:
      January 18, 2013 at 1:59 am

      HAHAHA! “Rocker!” “Light at the end of the tunnel dims..” I regret to inform you, but for some mishaps along the way…the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. :) Oh my dear… what are we to do? “HELLO HELLO ANYONE OUT THERE 60 AND OVER???” “MY MOM SORELY NEEDS A DATE!!!!! Must be 60 and older to apply. Balding or grey hair is acceptable but please, no medical issues or relationship issues. All men are required a screening of financial assets and marital history. Send your applications to Seniors Deserve Dates P.O. Box 60+ Anywhere, WI

      Reply
  16. Eli@coachdaddy says:
    January 18, 2013 at 3:35 am

    Are you sure you want to snag one post 60? That just means he’s had more time to settle into all the bad habits we men exhibit. Maybe you should aim for a little younger!
    Eli@coachdaddy recently posted..This Time, It’s Coach Daddy’s Turn To Ask The Questions …My Profile

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  17. Meredith says:
    January 18, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    This is so spot-on! Nailed it with the purse explanation. I snorted over the “protection” bit. Part of my purpose on this earth is to be able to single-handedly defend my family through the contents of my purse. Fantastic!
    Meredith recently posted..Giddy-Dancing In My Yoga Pants over at Scary MommyMy Profile

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  18. Jennifer says:
    January 18, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    It’s a Friday Flash Blog! Please share your favorite posting of the week and see what others are talking about at http://www.fridayflashblog.blogspot.com

    Reply
  19. Andrea says:
    January 19, 2013 at 4:33 am

    Fun post. Re: purses…if I had a nickel for every time my husband asked me to carry his wallet and keys, I’d be a rich woman! Re: worry…women are such caring folk. We worry so the men in our lives don’t have to!
    Here’s a good read for more explanations: “Men are like Waffles Women are like Spaghetti” by Bill and Pam Farrel
    Andrea recently posted..Deep Thoughts from Noah #18My Profile

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  20. OneMommy says:
    January 19, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    Thanks for a laugh and the fact that I found myself nodding my head to a few parts, too.
    Never was a big purse person — I’ll just tuck my wallet in my coat pocket when I go out. But it seems even though my son is 3, I am still carrying a “diaper bag” of sorts, full of all the things you mentioned and then some. Guess I’m going to be a purse person from now on.
    OneMommy recently posted..Berenstains’ B BookMy Profile

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    • momcafe says:
      January 19, 2013 at 4:51 pm

      I hear ya! I have the wallet in the pocket often when I do errands…and I always have a back up bag filled with clothes, sunblock, water and snacks etc. in my car ready to go! The purse is filled too- with all the “go to” needs… us moms have it all!!! :)

      Reply
  21. Carli says:
    January 20, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    OMGosh! I have to say I almost agree with catagorizing all our products just like car parts. Almost. This post just made my day!
    Carli recently posted..10 Tips to Gain 400+ Pinterest Followers a WeekMy Profile

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  22. Mary @ A Teachable Mom says:
    January 23, 2013 at 8:17 pm

    You two should have an ongoing show – maybe a podcast or a Ted video! So funny and well done. I laughed out loud at the tampon aisle dialogue. You nailed it and sound like you had fun at the same time! Well done!
    Mary @ A Teachable Mom recently posted..Moms Need Play Dates TooMy Profile

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