Coach Daddy Asks…

 

If you haven’t read the dialogue posted over at Eli’s place last week…then you simply must go there first.  It’s been quite a journey of growing awareness and education for both our gender related inquiries and concerns.  I asked some pertinent questions and Eli provided us with exquisite answers. Now it’s his turn to ask…

Let the second-half of the game BEGIN!!

 

Dear Miss Ms/Mrs.,

Thank you for submitting your questions to the less-fair gender. We hope you have a deeper understanding of the underpinnings inherent of being a man.

We get to ask the questions now. I want to diffuse any thought early that this is a gender-driven tug-of-war. There will be no one-upmanship. No manning the cannons. No man-driven, manic agenda here.

Just free-flowing discourse. I appoint myself managing partner and question/answer czar for all mankind. I represent the district of men who’ve evolved from knuckle-dragging, but can appreciate a messy rack of ribs. Who’ve actually read a book without pictures, but don’t mind sitting in the pretty waitress’ section.

Who’ve loved and adored your gender at various times in our lives, any time after packing away our LEGOs and Nerf footballs and swimsuit issues, but who do sometimes purposely forget to shave our faces. We do listen, but we don’t do manicures. We’ll even cook and play with the kids, but we won’t moisturize or whine on Girls Night Out.

We consider ourselves the refined district of manhood, and we have questions, Christine Carter.

What’s up with purses?

We men have all carried bags. Lunch bags. Duffle bags. Bags of donuts. Hell, your bag, while you try on clothes. We’re baffled by what happens in the woman’s hand bag. What’s in there? Why must you carry it everywhere? Why does it often resemble a largemouth bass, affixed with handles and stuffed to the gills with the ultimate and useless survival kit for your gender?

If men carried bags, we’d fill them, too, with essentials: A deck of cards. A baseball and a Sharpie (just in case we run into Tim Tebow at church or Pacman Jones at the club).  Beef jerky, perhaps. But we’d leave it behind when we went shopping. Or hiking. Or high-stepping it to the gas station after we’ve ignored the low-fuel light for 312 miles.

MISSES’ANSWER:

Oh dear man, it’s not about the purses…it’s about the planning, preparation, and protection all in one place.  If you would open up any size purse with which a woman holds, you will find all the essentials for any and all situations…lest they arrive.

Hungry?  Here’s a snack.  Sniffles?  Got tissue.  Chapped lips?  Got chapstick.  Bad breathe?  Got mints.  Out of money?  Got that too.  Monthly visit?  Covered.  Rattle for the baby?  Here ya go.  Teeth need brushed?  Travel toothbrush right here.  Hands dirty?  Here are some wipes.  Going shopping?  I got coupons.  Kids annoyed?  Lollipops here.  Don’t like that flavor gum?  Here’s three more kinds. Hair a mess?  Here’s a brush.  Need a pen and paper too?  Check.  A pencil for homework? Yep.  Bored?  Here’s a book.  All cried out?  Here’s more mascara. You get the point…

You see we women are all about being prepared.  We plan according to what “might” happen…as you plan according to, well…what is actually happen-ing.  How many times has a women’s purse parts saved you, I ask?  It’s kind of what we do.  We are ready for anything that lies ahead…of us.  You live in the moment.  We live for the moment.  It’s that simple.  A nice balance perhaps?

What’s up with the feminine hygiene aisle?

I’m a brave man. I’m not afraid of snakes, spiders, punk kids in malls, flu viruses or the singer Pink. I do, however, get a little sweaty and shaky when you ask,” can you pick up some pads?” Unless they’re fun pads, steno pads or launching pads, even, I really.don’t.want.to.

Heavy-flow days. Overnight. Scented. Unscented. Tampons. Pads. Pantiliners. Maxipads. With wings. With aloe. With man-detecting-radar-which-I-swear-changes-color-packaging-and-terminology-to-bring-hell-to-earth-without-the-gentle-glide.

Why can’t we catalog all the products (tampons, pads, maxipads, pantiliners, maxi-liners and tampads, or whatever) by serial number, like car parts? If the water pump goes on my ’92 Buick LaSabre, I go to Auto Zone and look it up. XE-3492. A dude gets me the part. I can get the oil filter, too, just by knowing the model.

What? A GD-32293? Sure, we have those.

Maybe if you all had model numbers and years, we could just say, “Hey, I have a 73 Hilda who needs an overnight pad with wings.”

“Sure, mac. HH-6663. Better take two.”

MISSES’ ANSWER:

I know this is both uncomfortable and confusing for you to manage, and for that I am deeply sorry.  I know it’s hard to understand all of these essentials as us women have to cope with and bear through the aches and pains of menstruation, ovulation, childbirth, recovery, menopause and such.  I know your difficulty in understanding that infamous aisle is partly our fault.

You see, we women are very complex.  Our Heavenly Creator thought it best to give us all of it.  And spare you any of it.  Father God took one look at Adam and declared on the sixth day that Eve would just bear it all.  Lucky us!

The monthly horrific draining yields excruciating abdominal pain and headaches as our world floods in a cesspool of hormonal tidal waves and peaking irrational thought.  This trauma begins very early in our growing years, so innocent and young.  Then it haunts and terrorizes us until we are nearing the end of our hormonal journey.  But if we would like to create human beings…well then there is the nine months gestation, hormonal fluctuations, our entire body being sacrificed to create a human being, the pushing of the human being out of our tiny part whereby the gates of Hades violently tear open and the rolling wildfire purges a baby.  Then there are about three years recuperation, but if we’re lucky…recovery may be interrupted by another nine months gestation, hormonal fluctuations, our entire body being sacrificed to create a human being, the pushing of the human being out of our tiny part whereby the gates of Hades violently tear open and the rolling wildfire purges a baby.  And perhaps if we want a big family… the recuperation is interrupted over and over again, therefore giving us the inevitable super power of miraculous endurance.  Once we have gone through these seasons of our womanly life…we top off our journey with the beautiful and reflective years of menopause.  Ah yes…the Golden years of hot sweats and no sleep…hormonal highs and hormonal lows.  Kinda like menstruation but instead it’s ongoing all the time and holds many fun surprises!  You’ll see.

But back to the aisle, because clearly…it’s hard on you.  Poor, poor you wandering in that painfully overwhelming aisle just wishing for a way out…

We get that it’s just too much to handle.

 Why do you worry so much?

We kind of get it. We worry about stuff, too. Can the Ravens stop Tom Brady? Can I grill salmon after sundown without overdoing it? Will the fellas at the office notice if I have to borrow your berry-scented Secret deodorant because I’m all out of my Old Spice?

But once we’ve crushed a bratwurst, some onion rings and a Pepsi max, and our head hits the pillow, it’s all tomorrow’s problem.

I bet even Barack Obama, the man with the toughest job in America (outside of the dude who has to stock the feminine hygiene aisle at Piggly Wiggly) can forget his troubles and snore on the couch after a hard day’s work.

So, that’s what we want to know. We love that you’re more likely to have a bandage for the kids if needed out of your purse (and probably a collector’s DVD set of Three Stooges classics, if you packed right), have different hygienic needs than we, and are often the glue that holds together our worlds, but … help a brother out?

We don’t need to understand you. We just need to appear to from time to time without having to push a cart around in Garden Ridge on an NFL Sunday afternoon.

MISSES’ ANSWER:

Oh how we wish we could be like you men and not worry!  We watch you sleep so soundly and wonder howwhy…how…why?

If only the weight of the world did not dominate the fretting firing neurons in our mind!  You see, we can’t rest knowing there are things undone, unclean, unclear, undecided, unplanned, unknown, unresolved, unimaginable, unorganized, un.

Remember, we are complicated.  Our thoughts go round the bend about 4,000 times faster than yours.  And our emotional state is bound by those hormones and those thoughts.  It’s just a universal spiral of winding roads and hills and valleys…

We can’t stop the speed or the depth from which our anxious rumbles radiate.

You see, while you can immediately turn your switch off …we cannot tell our switch to do that.  Our switch has it’s own power that rules our world every. Single. Minute.  Our engine is not in control.  The current is flying through our veins, whether we tell it to stop, or try to turn it off.  And if by some way, we can worry through the turns and bumps and possible detours of all predicaments?  We might be less likely to worry through the next tour of duty… so we hope.

Believe me.  We wish we could be more like you.  We try. Try hard.  So hard.  Oh so, so hard.  We really don’t like to worry.  And we really enjoy sleep.  Restful sleep that we scarcely get in between the trauma of menstruation, creation, (repeat unending) and eventually menopause.  But we need somebody to rest and stay still while we pace.  And that is why we have you…

You truly are our rock.  Our anchor.  We just can’t handle stress like you do.  But we count on you for the freshly paved road with no bumps or detours or turns…

Whether you wander the aisle holding our purse for us or not.

So rest assured.  Rest you will.

And in the morning we will have your spreadsheets ready…

 

 

 

PROWESS AND PEARLS

 

Author Signature

Comments

    • says

      I know right???!!!! Oh this is groundbreaking isn’t it? I believe Eli and I will continue our inquiries and intellectual drilling in months to come when the moments arise. I’m sure there are many more puzzling pieces to both genders!!!!! :)

      • says

        I feel like Christopher Columbus after all this. You know, fooling myself into what I think I’m getting myself into, so much so that I pretend where i arrive is where I meant to go in the first place.

        Let’s see what this endeavor means to mankind!

  1. says

    Hi Coach! So, let me address one of the the reasons we need to carry such a large purse. TO HOLD YOUR THINGS! I always end up holding a man’s wallet, keys, papers, with little as much as a Thank you! But, you are welcome! This “Missus” here loves and worries about her teams as well. For example, I am worried about the 49ers and how I will be able to get a great seat watching the game while attending the Phx Open. Don’t group all us ladies together in the same category. Worrying- Have you ever hear the expression behind every man is an AMAZING woman. True! Fact. BTW- Feminine Products are complicated and there are many choice but so are the sizes of condoms. But, lets not go there. Funny piece!

      • says

        Like there’s room in your bag for my wallet, flip phone and bag of sunflower seeds! As a proud member of the Dads In Cargopants Association, I have no need to pawn off my man litter on any bag-toting woman, no matter how sincere her intentions.

        I definitely think men could go by the same part number system for, um, provisions. Unless you count the ones gathering dust in 76 percent of men’s wallets!

  2. says

    Well, you certainly told him, Chris! Great job, especially with the feminine hygiene explanation. Seriously, how hard is it to pick up a box of pads, compared to what our bodies goes through in a lifetime?

    For the record, I keep a very small clutch purse that holds everything I need in it.

    And, no, the Ravens cannot stop Tom Brady. They can hang out with Pacman at the club next weekend.

    • says

      I know I know!!! Like there isn’t a variety of EVERYTHING in this WORLD EVERYWHERE including said condoms… Nice move on the small clutch. I have a purse STUFFED with “stuff” but hate HATE dragging it around with me!! I love this comment… hope Eli reads it too!!! You go GIRL with your fancy sports talk and all!!! 😉

      • says

        The feminine hygiene aisle is a different level of hell, and you women have to know this. I could more accurately break down DNA compounds with a crayon than navigate that mess.

        I do believe the Ravens will handle Tom Brady, too, in fact. So he’ll have more time to see if the man who can pick apart the Texans’ defense can guarantee he’ll get the right pads with wings and aloe for overnight use like the rest of us try to!

  3. Tammy says

    Well, it’s all out there now! No reason for any of us – either gender – to wonder anymore! Now, if I can just remember not to WORRY about what my husband is doing, what he’s forgetting to do, that very important thing he didn’t hear me ask him to do (even though he nodded in response)….
    God love’em!

  4. says

    Oh, man, I was crying / laughing over the serial numbers on pads. My husband (God bless him) never says “no” when I add those to his market run list, but I have to send a picture of the label to his phone for accuracy.

    This series is a joy!

    • says

      I know…isn’t it HILARIOUS???!!!! God love that Eli….he knows how to roll the words out well. Send a picture via phone…BRILLIANT!!!! Oh that is just the BEST idea EVER!!!!! What do you think, Eli? Would that work for you??? (I’m sure he will respond at some point…but not in our time-HIS time)(Perhaps the next inquiry coming from me…the “time factor”!)

      • says

        Why do they change the packaging color all the time?? And why is Kotex not spelled with a C?

        A picture on the cellphone MIGHT work, unless they changed the color of the package before I get to the store.

        Oh, and I do respond on my own time. I had a Red Baron pizza and the Baseball Network’s “Best Players from A-Z” standing in my way.

  5. says

    Hahahaa…Kudos to you both on a job well done! GREAT questions Eli and GREAT answers Chris! I feel you Eli…even I hate going down that aisle, lol! Thanks Chris for linking up and you guys have a GREAT day! 😉

    • says

      SO excited for your new and lovely Link up party Michell!!! It took me some time to figure it all out….but I DID IT!! (Such a newbie at all this!) Yeah…Eli IS right about that aisle, I must say… :)

  6. says

    Hahahaha!!! This was hilarious! Great Questions by Eli. I love your answer about the purses Chris. Aren’t they life savers?

    And the feminine aisles. The once or twice I sent my husband, he took a million pictures and kept texting “this one?” and always bring home the wrong one. lol.

    Great piece! Thanks for the laugh

    • says

      BRAINSTORM – Pad o’ the Month Club. We’ll pay whatever. You enter your preferences online, and a box is delivered to YOUR DOOR each month with all the protection you need. We’ll make it a red box, so that we don’t think it’s our 20 CDs for just a penny offer we’ve been waiting for.

    • says

      Oh that is HILARIOUS about the picts and texts with your hubby!! I can’t TELL you how many times I was sooooo relieved I had “this” or “that” in my purse to save us from the situation we were in!
      The questions Eli asked really hit home, didn’t they? So glad you had as much fun as we did with this! :)

        • says

          I cannot STOP laughing!!!!!! “Flow”! HAHAHAHAHAHA! “Show-stopper” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! “To the drawing board…” Eli, I believe after all this, you have a serious purpose in this life. BRING IT.

  7. Melissa says

    I know this blog-off took place a while ago, I know, late to the party! However, first hilarious, but second…we have a real SHIFT at our house. My husband stays at home caring for the kids while I work outside the home. So, these question responses are hilarious to me!! Now that I enjoy the freedom of leaving everyday, I have softened, weakened! I know, I couldn’t believe it myself! I am the one who is a baby when sick and comes home (to an expectant face looking for missing ingredients for dinner) empty handed. Sad, so very, very sad. My take? I do it because I CAN. He will jump in and take care of me as I DIE with the sniffles…he will come up with another plan for dinner, excusing my forgetfulness. Enabler!

    Of course, there is a clear difference with him staying at home though. The baby usually looks like he is straight out of a trailer park in a dirty, juice stained onesie. There is usually left over of breakfast, lunch and snack on his mouth…hair…up his nose when I come home. He truly looks homeless. Our older two are equally disheveled, books and paper strewn throughout the dining room where homework was attempted and disintegrated. Both kids are punished and in their rooms by the time I enter!

    It really is amazing that there can be so much different about us, but typically, we work together! Love and lots of laughter!! Drugs and beer, no, I am kidding..sort of!

    • says

      Somehow, the human race has thrived for a generation or two – even with we dads sometimes feeding and clothing! Leftover meals on the face are just snacks for the kid for later, by the way.

    • says

      I just LOVE this comment!! Oh my pea… SO fun to see you in this THIS role!!! And GOD bless Blakie with all his efforts and for taking care of it all when you are DYING of a cold. 😉 I can picture little Fagan all sloppy and wet, K and K in their rooms and Blake’s hair all tussled and his eyes darkened with that “stay at home” glare… My how the times have changed!!! Oh what a family you have- full of all the good stuff that makes it JUST right. I wonder what Blake would say in a comment…? What would his take be? Hmm…

  8. Sue Theimer says

    What fun! Could not wait to hear you and Eli “spar”! This truly is a match made in Blogville. Keep on traveling the road, while I sit in my rocker, as the light at the end of the tunnel dims and seniorpeoplemeet.com shows no matches and no flirts. . .do older men no longer flirt. . . . .? ? ?

    • says

      HAHAHA! “Rocker!” “Light at the end of the tunnel dims..” I regret to inform you, but for some mishaps along the way…the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. :) Oh my dear… what are we to do? “HELLO HELLO ANYONE OUT THERE 60 AND OVER???” “MY MOM SORELY NEEDS A DATE!!!!! Must be 60 and older to apply. Balding or grey hair is acceptable but please, no medical issues or relationship issues. All men are required a screening of financial assets and marital history. Send your applications to Seniors Deserve Dates P.O. Box 60+ Anywhere, WI

  9. says

    This is so spot-on! Nailed it with the purse explanation. I snorted over the “protection” bit. Part of my purpose on this earth is to be able to single-handedly defend my family through the contents of my purse. Fantastic!

    • says

      Ah yes Meredith!!! It is one of the many many many many many purposes we carry out in our simply COMPLEX lives as mothers and wives and well…women! Thank GOD for our purses, filled with ALL things necessary for any and all situations that may arise. :)

  10. says

    Fun post. Re: purses…if I had a nickel for every time my husband asked me to carry his wallet and keys, I’d be a rich woman! Re: worry…women are such caring folk. We worry so the men in our lives don’t have to!
    Here’s a good read for more explanations: “Men are like Waffles Women are like Spaghetti” by Bill and Pam Farrel

    • says

      I know… is that why my hubs can crash sound asleep while I am actually TALKING to him? It truly amazes me… can’t wait to check out the book! I have a feeling it will add to this very informative post!! Thanks for reading Andrea!!! :)

      • says

        If we waited until you finished talking to fall asleep, some of us fear we might see the sun rise instead! (And probably, when we wake up, there’s a good chance you’ll still be talking!)

  11. says

    Thanks for a laugh and the fact that I found myself nodding my head to a few parts, too.
    Never was a big purse person — I’ll just tuck my wallet in my coat pocket when I go out. But it seems even though my son is 3, I am still carrying a “diaper bag” of sorts, full of all the things you mentioned and then some. Guess I’m going to be a purse person from now on.

    • says

      I hear ya! I have the wallet in the pocket often when I do errands…and I always have a back up bag filled with clothes, sunblock, water and snacks etc. in my car ready to go! The purse is filled too- with all the “go to” needs… us moms have it all!!! :)

      • says

        I loved diaper bags. Once, I was able to sneak in three Taco Bell burritos and a can of soda in Grace’s diaper bag, to a baseball game. Good times.

        Now, we have to jam my cargo shorts full of snacks! And there’s plenty of room for my keys and wallet, too.

        (I have never, ever asked a woman to carry my keys and wallet. Ever.)

  12. says

    You two should have an ongoing show – maybe a podcast or a Ted video! So funny and well done. I laughed out loud at the tampon aisle dialogue. You nailed it and sound like you had fun at the same time! Well done!

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