Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit stuck. Anxiously wondering about my role, my purpose, my place in this world. Maybe a bit bored, uninspired, weary of the same ol’ and definitely frustrated with my inability to push forward to something new, something more, something significant that transforms my life to the next level of living. I’ve been holding out hope, holding onto hope, and letting go of hope… over and over again- and it’s exhausting! Wanting so badly to fulfill whatever it is that I am called to do, but coming up against blocks and barricades and even blank stares into space revealing that ever elusive goal that seems blurry and buried.
The mundane monotonous cycle of life continues on with the wheels churning out breakfasts, lunches, dinners, laundry, rides to school and back, homework, sports, family, events and ministries etc…etc …etc.
It’s all so very good. I surely can’t complain. I often ask myself, “How dare I even wish for more, when I have so much!?”
I am fully aware of the incredible life I have, the significant blessings I hold, and the immeasurable love I have the privilege of feeling for many.
But I want more…
Life is leaving me vacant of inspiration, and I find myself filled with angst and questioning and wrestling with my next ‘move’ toward whatever it is that God wants me to do.
And really? I have no idea.
I go through these moments of defining my dream, or peering into my desires, or clarifying my momentum with intentional decisions and assurance in continuing the not-so-clear course.
Unsettled and leery of where I am to be and what I am to do.
So I go where I always go…
Back to God.
And I pray pray pray.
And I listen listen listen.
And I walk away empty and defeated because I don’t get the answer, the revelation that I need.
Have you been there?
It kinda sucks, doesn’t it?
Sometimes, waiting is the hardest part of God’s Plan.
Well, let me tell you what happened next.
I was outside, on a glorious morning with radiating sunshine and crisp fall air-
Praying and feeling that zilch, that zing, that pressing pressure in my desperate plea…
“What NOW, Lord?”
And then it happened.
I can’t tell you for sure if it was a bolt of lightning, or a sudden convicting whisper… but it felt much like the bolt. It spoke to me with that fierce illuminating power and cracked open a part of me that needed to be broken and stitched back up again with new threads. Funny how those bolts come in whispers.
God’s really good at that, isn’t He?
He put me back in my place… but with a completely different perspective.
“Why the urgency? STOP the urgency. Find joy in THIS place I have given to you. The rest will come, when it is supposed to.”
Now in all fairness, I really do find joy and meaning and gratitude in many places I stand in my life. I’m betting you do too.
He nailed it.
“Urgency. Why the urgency?”
What the heck is my hurry? Why do I have to be so anxious about my next move? Don’t I trust that whatever it is, He is equipping me for it now? Haven’t I learned from God time and time again, that we cannot pursue a passion, without a season of preparing for the call? And here’s the kicker for me…
I may think I’m ready, but only God knows when I am. His timing is perfect. Not mine. It’s humbling to realize that I may very well not be ready at all, much less even clearly understand my call. From his view, He sees exactly what is to come, and shakes His Almighty head with dismay, as I shake my fists to the wind and cry out, “NOW!!
Good gravy, He must get tired of my immature and selfish ways.
After my “bolt-whisper”, I immediately felt this new peace come over me as it filled my anxious wondering and antsy worrying with such truth.
It changed everything.
Since then, my days have been spent embracing the joy in the moments of now, while steadily pacing my way through one decision at a time…
Letting go of the angst, the worry, the fretting, the exasperation of not knowing.
It’s quite liberating really.
Now don’t misunderstand. I’m surely still yearning for more. I think we all need to have hopes and dreams and aspirations for our lives, our future, our passions.
I’m just not unsettled anymore.
I guess the race I began, clearly wasn’t supposed to be a race after all.
When you are a type A, nonstop go go go kinda gal…
That’s a hard bite to swallow, yes?
So I wait, without the wringing of hands and the worry marks on my forehead. And I go forward with intentional steps that may see no outcome.
And that’s okay. I’m going to trust the evidence will come.
Each step, each moment lived in the now must be preparing me and equipping me for His plan.
In perfect time.
So while I keep busy in my have to dos, and my choose to dos, and the cycle that throws me round and round over and over again…
I will trust that God is preparing for me the path and building the bridges for me to cross toward where He wants me to go. I’ll stop fretting about it all, and find comfort in knowing there is purpose in this wait. There is always purpose in the wait.
Are you waiting? Antsy? Worried? Wondering?
Maybe this whisper may be a lightning bolt to you too.