“Natural Child Birth”
January 28th, 2006
3:12AM: My 9-month-old ‘in uterus’ baby literally stands up inside of me and awakens me in a terrified state. (seriously- standing up in my belly, as my stomach looks like a cone)
“AAHHHHH! Oh my God, Oh my God! Is… this… it, Lord? What the…”
3:21AM: On the bathroom floor…still questioning…WOOOOHA! It hits again….the earth shattering violent eruption of the uterus.
“Okay….wow…will wait a little longer before I wake up my husband”
3:27AM: Uterus screams…and violently shakes. Wobble to my husband in a frantic state.
“This IS it! Honey, I think this is it. The baby is coming…NOW.”
Husband: “When did you last have a contraction?”
3:32AM: I call our neighbor’s cell phone to have someone come over to watch sleeping two- year old daughter. No answer. ‘Middle of the Night Birth Plan’ …gone terribly wrong… Oh dear. Husband flies out the door to run to the neighbor’s house to wake them, throwing rocks at their window!
3:36AM: I page doctor and politely ask if I could possibly go have my baby… while feeling another contraction…. “Ooooh…AAAHHHH!” I lie on the kitchen floor to support the thunderous roar within…
3:38AM: Husband comes back saying he woke the neighbors and our friend will be over in a minute. (Tick Tock Tick Tock…)
3:45AM: Neighbor stumbles in and apologizes for the Birth Plan mix up. (Of all nights, they forgot to put their cell phone by their bed! Classic!)
3:46AM: Husband drives 100 miles an hour, not stopping at any lights, to make it to the hospital. I scream in pain and wonder if my baby will pop out in the car.
3:58AM: Arrive at hospital front door as husband drops me off and escorts my grumbling raging enormous body into the entrance of the labor and delivery wing.
4:05AM: Nurse takes me to wheelchair and holds a clipboard full of papers for me to fill out and sign. She escorts me to a private room, while I scream in pain and tell her I am going to poop in my pants.
4:12AM: Nurse examines me and exclaims with a resounding squeal, “No time for paperwork my dear! The baby’s crowning!”
4:15AM: Wheeled to delivery room as house Doctor is paged, because my OB/GYN has not yet arrived. The nurses and hospital staff suddenly appear full throttle to apparently “catch” the baby.
“AAHHHH! WHERE’S THE EPIDURAL??? I NEEEEEED THE EPIDURAL!!! AAAHHHHHH!!!!!! NOOOOO! I WON’T PUSH!!!!!”
Head Nurse: “There is NO time for the epidural, the baby is here! Now PUSH!!! NOW!!!”
“GO GO GO GO GO!!!!! COME ON! DO IT!!!!” I say to the poor nurse fumbling under pressure, attempting to get my IV in, so I can get the epidural.
4:25AM: Head Nurse stops epidural attempt and tries to calm me down. House Doctor arrives and stands back ten feet and stares in absolute terror. (I’ll never forget his face… really??? Seriously??)
“HUBBY!!! WHERE ARE YOU?????? GET THE CAMERA!!! GET THE VIDEO!!! HURRY!!! GET IT!!!!!!!”
Hubby runs around the delivery room frantically unpacking video equipment, as I continue to scream in pain and, well…at him. (Yes, I wanted this moment recorded.)
4:40AM: Head nurse convinces me that if I push just once or twice, the pain will stop. And I will be holding my baby…
“OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD….I CAN’T PUSH INTO THIS PAIN! I CAN’T!!! OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD….Ooooooh aaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”
4:45AM: Nurse: “THAT’S IT!!! JUST PUSH ONCE MORE AND YOUR BABY IS OUT!!!!!”
4:49AM: Cade Epkins Carter is born.
Perfect in every way.
And there you have the “natural child birth”.