Throughout the summer, I kept having this deep need to take some treasured time to myself. The moment where I could just be in the quiet of my home and listen to all God had been trying to tell me through the busy months of the last, say nine years. I was excited to just dwell in the silence and fulfill my desire for peace and quiet reflection. It was time for some good deep soul searching as I wanted to look back at the last decade of hills and valleys and triumphs and defeats. I
needed to take a breath and see if my place in this world is where I am. Yes, I wanted a “time out”. Time to pull it all together and pull myself all together… sit away from all the stimulation and shut up.
As I mentioned in “Happy New Year”, I always feel a sense of new beginnings in the fall, and with that endeavor, I was to embark on my tiny little sabbatical for two days of planned time of quiet self-investigation. I couldn’t go to some cabin in the woods for this timeout, or some Caribbean island with white sand and palm trees, so I set my sights on doing this in-between all the projects I had saved from the summer and errands that had to be run. I had from 9:10am- 3:20pm to bask in the light of freedom and rest. I am on day two now, and although it’s been much like a toddler on a time out, battling the restless inner need to “do”, I have felt God tugging on my heart to “be still and know I am God,” (Psalm 46:10)
I must confess, that I am at the core, a busy body. So with my day and a half of quiet, I have accomplished some medial tasks of sorting hundreds of photos and organizing them into albums and envelopes. Both cathartic and always fulfilling to organize something that clutters my life and my head. I cleaned out my closet and ran errands to be productive enough to feel I “earned” the few hours to rest. That’s just how I play the game. I always have to earn my breaks, my rest, and my peace. It’s not how it should be, but it is how I am. I could say I am working on this area, but after 45 years of attempting to do this, I have concluded that I must appease that part of my head and accept it’s organic resistance. In doing so, I find more freedom in allowing myself to thrive rather than keeping it captive in the relentless battle of victory over it. So, there. “You win.” I say to my head. And in the end, if I balance this dysfunction just right, we all win. Crazy busy body and restful spirit together, hand in hand.
Of course with the kids around and summer’s non stop fun, I knew it wouldn’t be until that new and glorious season of school starting, when my world would open up to a life full of plenty. Plenty of quiet, plenty of friendships renewed and fulfilled, plenty of rest and plenty of time to be still and listen to all that my heart and God’s voice has been saying to me for quite some time.
After the first week of anxiety, and over-stimulation of encountering a new school and all that entails, I was ready to hunker down in the second week to find that freedom of “my time”. I am on day two right now. So far I have found peace in the quiet and yet, the restlessness has bubbled up in my soul from time to time with little eruptions of productivity. But, as I sustained myself and balanced the day…I am learning and growing each moment I listen. I really need to go into “time-out” more often…
“Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10)