I am utterly human. Full of flaws and weaknesses. I’m anxious, impatient, fidgety, and uncontrollably quirky. If you met me in person, you would probably be engulfed by a full body hug, and feel that awkward invasion of boundaries I dare to cross over time and time again. I would want to please you, make you feel loved and comfortable in the moment of meeting. I would smile and look into your eyes and find a beautiful soul I so passionately want to understand and validate. I have a heart for people.
That’s my thing. I can give you a list of all the other traits I have that are less than worthy of your time. But I will tell you that I am deeply devoted to the hearts of people.
I used to think a lot about all the other things that make me lesser than…
Those insecurities still rise and fall with the moon. I used to let them hold me back, and listened to their call to bring me to a level of lower living, but I keep them at bay, more now than ever.
Because I’m learning as I grow older, that to celebrate the traits that are valuable, the gifts we’ve been given- is much better use of our time. I’m discovering that although I used to feel like I couldn’t be used by God to do His work, I realize that even as I shake and tremble on my feet… I can still walk with the Lord. I didn’t know that was allowed. I spent years, decades really- wondering if I will ever make it to that place of being useful, worthy of anything more significant to God. I spent years wondering how I could ever claim to be a follower of Jesus, or better yet- be a carrier of His Light, because I just couldn’t shine bright enough. I didn’t feel “Godly” enough. If I’m not this perfect Christian, I surely can’t do the work of a perfect God.
So I thought.
Apparently, it’s not about our light, but His. And if we turn the switch on, it glows despite our demise.
I finally understand.
I am who I am, and that is enough.
There is no defining moment of usefulness, confirmation, or arrival into what we deem valuable to God. He celebrates the gift of me, of you- always… And He can use even the tiniest shaky steps we take, for His greater purpose.
Each one of us.
I have marveled at this truth, over and over again- as I look in the mirror and see this crazy utterly inconceivable Christian and think “Huh”.
And I hear Him whisper, “Yes, you. You are my creation. You are precious to me. You can carry My Light just being you.”
No hoops to leap through or seminary training or pious living here… apparently no need to be greater than I am.
I long to learn more about this unearthly love I have been given, from the One who designed my innermost workings. And in my half-hearted attempt at wanting to be my best and do my best, my deepest desire is to do right by Him. And I trip over and over my own fumbling feet. I wobble and wiggle and squirm trying to ‘pray right, live right, grow right’ and I have yet to do any of that right.
And He STILL uses me.
I’m betting He can still you use too.
In the smallest and largest of ways.
No need to wait.
Right where you are.
Through who you are.
Our God is madly in love with us, and rejoices when we really truly get it.
I think I finally get it.