I find myself gasping for air these days… treading the treacherous waters as best I can. I sink in grief, for my beloved friend who so abruptly lost her devoted lifetime love just days ago. He was yanked from her life in an instant, leaving her heart crushed into a million tiny torturing pieces and her daughter crumbling into wailing tears.
Oh the pain. The pain. The pain.
This death paralyzes me, and my ‘to do’ list has shifted and changed and the shadows follow me as I try to accomplish the tasks at hand, all the while the waves of grief crash over me and I simply freeze.
But life is raging on, much like those flooding waters. There are gifts to be bought and swim meets to attend and a house guest that was planned long ago. There is cleaning and preparing for my ‘exit’ out of my duties, and meals to make, kids to care for, and ministries to lead. Anxiety spills into my every trembling breath as I anticipate the surgery just days ahead. All the while, a funeral is planned and the reality sinks in. He is gone.
This leaves me breathless. My body shakes and my heart pounds so loud and hard as I sit here once again paralyzed and bound in anxiety.
It’s been a hard month. So very hard. And yet?
I see where God has built a hedge of protection around my heart and my family. I recognize the Divine Providence in it all. I take it in…
Slowly soaking in His Peace and His Provision.
When I panic, I pray.
My pulse still quickens at the thought of what I need to get done. But I find myself asking, “What is most important?”
Over and over again.
The blurry haste of hurrying. My tattered frayed nerves are vibrating strong. And although I am constantly pulling myself back to gasp for air, I know that it will come.
God delivers. Always. I trust that. I really do.
So as I continue my race of worry and fear, I take each step intentionally and purposefully, always asking…
“What’s most important?”
And I do that.
The next thing.
My next step.
One scary, scrambled, somber step at a time.
And I ask my God to give me the lift of His Light, to take those steps we choose together.
I will surely miss many along the way. I already have. But the holes I leave behind, I trust God’s Grace will fill them.
I’m off to do what’s most important. I pray you do the same, with the breath of God’s grace to fill the holes that you miss too.
And please pray for this cherished precious family, as they begin the long aching road ahead full of longing nights and empty days. They are my ‘people’ these three turned two. My closest of the closest. I feel their pain like it was mine, as I beg God to carry them and the weight they now wear.
This Holy Season is upon us, and I will seek the star and His guiding light. May you do the same. And I pray we all find the Prince of Peace in each shaky step along the way…